I did it

I finally did it.

I completed my gastro appointments! I let them knock me out twice (huge deal for me).
I'm going to talk about the whole experience as true to my reality as possible.

The Endoscopy: I was terrified. I worked myself into tears for about a week before the actual appointment. I thought "I'm gonna die. I'm going to have a bad reaction to the anesthesia, or choke, or just stop breathing. I know it. This is my last week on this earth." Now, usually, with my anxiety, when its that bad I have to become accepting of my death before conquering the fear itself. I know I sound like a crazy bitch, maybe I am.
So, I woke up the day before the appointment in a very harsh depression. I was trying to pep talk myself, but I just couldn't do it. I followed the directions of no food after 7 pm and proceeded to have the shittiest night of sleep ever. I fell asleep with a migraine, I woke up with said migraine. We drove over an hour to the gastro place. Without any food in my system, my adrenaline fell short. I just shook like a leaf and started crying. My mom tried to distract me, my boyfriend tried to comfort me, but I was petrified. The nurse called me back, I felt like I had cinder blocks for feet. They got me into the bed and started my saline drip when I started crying again. The nurse was so sweet, she kept reassuring me that it was going to be so quick and easy, that there was nothing to worry about. The anesthesiologist came in to reassure me, also. A charming man with a heartwarming smile, that way about him made me feel like I was being silly about this whole thing. He wheeled me into the procedure room, a short ride straight out of my nightmares, but he carried on conversation with me like no biggie. My doc was there, all calm and cool. Everyone seemed chill, except for the tiny nurse in the room. I don't remember her very well, just that she had that natural 'fucking-wide-eyed-scared-to-death' look plastered on her face. That was unsettling. They took my glasses off, quickly started going over the procedure again when the anesthesiologist said "Ok, you are going to feel light headed then you are asleep, just like that..." and that is exactly how it went. I was out. Just quick blackness, like a long blink. Before I knew it, they woke me up. I opened my eyes to my mom and boyfriend walking toward me when I realized how drunk I felt. It was a good drunk, but drunk none the less. The first thing out of my mouth was "I TWILIGHTED ON MY PERIOD" which was true, but a 25 year old woman did not have to yell that to a room of other patients! LOL. When the doc came to tell me how everything went, I looked at him and said "I'm a twi-hard and proud of it". I don't know why the hell I was saying these true things, but it was kinda fun, extremely hilarious! I had a great day after that, a great few days, but then I had my colonoscopy to worry about the following week.

The Colonoscopy: Alright, a few days before prep, I was barely eating. I had no appetite, no interest in getting nutrition in. I started feeling that panic again. I didn't know how I was gonna feel on a liquid diet while shitting my brains out for an entire day! Luckily, my doc wasn't a total brat and let me use magnesium citrate, 2-10 ounce bottles, no big deal compared to the gallon of thick, salty ass juice I would've otherwise had to use.
Prep day sucked. Clear liquid diet really makes you appreciate living your life how you wanna. When it came time to start the laxative, I was nervous, I didn't know how it was going to fair with my insides due to my sensitive guts. The stuff I got was grape flavored. Lets talk about that in detail. Grape magnesium citrate is a tart/kinda salty/lightly bubby/sweet drink that was really hard to choke down on an empty stomach, holy fuck.
About 3 hours went by and I still hadn't finished my first bottle, nor had I shit yet. I was getting nervous because I just wanted this over with! I didn't want to have to do this all over again!!
About 8:12 pm, I guzzled down the rest of the first bottle and started the second while trying to stay hydrated, then came the beginning of the waterfalls. No cramping, just waterfalls, thank the heavens.
Now, the morning was easy, I still had the squirts but nothing I couldn't handle. We got there and I had the sweet nurse again, yay. But, she informed me that I had a different anesthesiologist. My heart sank, how is this gonna go? She assured me that it was going to be the same as last time. "Alright, ok."
This guy was not as charming and talkative as the first. He quietly wheeled me to the sterile room, I thought to myself "THIS could be a great start to a scary story".
This anesthesiologist DID give me something different than the first, AND he pumped the sedative into my IV right in front of me, the other guy did not. He said "This one will make your throat numb, and this one will make you sleep." I watched as he pumped this thick,white shit into my IV and I watched my vain puff up, my stomach clenched, but then I got sleepy. He had warned me that I might hear things while I'm under and if I stop breathing, he'd wake me up. So not charming!!!
When they woke me up, I was so very groggy and distant. I could not speak, my throat was so dry and painful. All the things I expected of the endoscopy (cuz throat stuff) happened for my colonoscopy! ASS BACKWARDS!!! It took HOURS for me to start feeling like myself again. I still had the shits for the rest of the day, the gas was painful (they warned me of that as well). But, the upper was no damn problem, the one I was worried about the most was actually FUN compared to the lower, soooooo. Yeah.

Everything looked fine. I get the biopsy results tomorrow. The doc says he really thinks its just acid reflux and ibs. The end.

I feel great now, a few days later. I don't ever wanna do this again! But, I did not die, my fears have proven themselves, once again, as irrational and time consuming as chipping paint without a tool. YEP.

Thank you for reading. K BYE.