ISO New Life

No matter how much I think I've changed over the last few months, I really haven't.
It's bothering me, how comfortable then uncomfortable I get. It happens so quickly and often. I'll forget all the bad shit, then BAM, it all comes flooding back with a vengeance. I'll feel great, then hate myself for it.
I reach out then draw back so hard that I end up back in a hole.
I need new life.
I understand that happiness is a 'to-each-their-own' thing and is created by the person who harbors it. It is a simple fucking concept. "THIS SHIT MAKES ME HAPPY SO I DO IT AND I'M HAPPY" It is not that hard! But, I let other people's nonsense get to me, I'm so sensitive that I have no other option than to give a fuck or two. My brain, my soul get sucked into someone's atmosphere.

My papa always told me, since I was a little girl, "Be the thermostat, not the thermometer".
I thought I understood that as a kid, but he explained "You set the energy, you be the energy that fills every room you walk into. If you keep taking in the popular energy, you become that energy, thus never having your own to begin."
To me, that was always a challenge. I mastered this practice for years, then lost it. I lost the know-how when I lost faith in humanity, pretty much. I no longer care enough to disperse my energy, I feel like no one deserves it. I know that sounds egotistical, but think about it. If you walked into, let's say...a bar. Some have been there for hours, others just showed up. Karaoke is available and you want to sing. No one else is singing, in fact, everyone is kind of grouped together like highschoolers. You walk up to the karaoke machine and it does not have a song you know. How long are you going to stand there contemplating whether or not to even try?
That is EVERY social experience I've had since I moved away from my home town. No one speaks my language, no one really understands me, and now I'm glad they don't. Everyone I've met here has one thing in mind "Get dirt on this bitch". That is the primary goal of "socializing" here. The lesser percentage of people are dumb and dull with no will, rhyme or reason! There was a 20 year old girl working at walmart as my cashier, I sparked conversation with her, she looked like a nice person. This is how it went:

Me: Hey, how's your day going?
Mia: Oh...not bad.
Me: That's good...So, how do you like working here at the glorious walmart?
Mia: It's alright, I guess.
Me: Have they started the $10 an hour here yet?
Mia: Well, they hire in at $8 something then bump you up.
Me: Thats not bad, actually! When I worked here, it was over night, I hated it, but it would've been worth it for the shift differential at $10 an hour!
Mia: Yeah, I have a daughter and I can't afford daycare for her while working here...
Me: Oh, that sucks
Mia: Yeah, I'm thinking about going to a call center, they pay way higher...and offer daycare and stuff.
Me: Cool, Let me know how that goes *laugh*
Mia: Yeah, heh. Have a good day.

This poor girl was so lifeless, she looked like she wanted to try but just couldn't.

I'm not dogging on this young lady, I'm making a point. It doesn't matter where you go, everyone here is either for the drama or for "not much at all, so yeeeah." LOL

If I could have at least one friend that didn't eat drama to stay alive, or that had more than one fucking facial expression, that'd be great! I'M DYING HERE!! ONE INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION!!!! ONE NORMAL (non awkward) NUMBER EXCHANGE!! One fucking coffee without a jealous spouse....for real!

Love you guys<3

Endorphin Junkie!

I am becoming addicted to endorphins.

There are now rehab centers that encourage you to get high!

They are called GYMS!
I don't SEE any progress after a whole week and a half of going to the gym. But, I feel it! In fact, I goofed and weighed myself at the blood pressure/bmi machine at walmart, LOL! That was a mistake!
If you watched my fitness journey video, I talked about how I am not going to pay ANY attention to the scale. Even though the bmi thing was insulting, I did not pay any attention to it. It did not haunt me and the numbers don't matter right now.

I haven't filmed anything because I'm trying really hard to pull myself out of a rut and the last thing I want to do is spread any of my negativity!

Now, we go clean up the yard because, according to the police department, we are violating the vegetation law or some shit. I don't know, but any physical activity is welcome. I will probably be a wet, mushy ball of histamines later. Thank the scientists for zyrtec!

Ssh! Rant In Session

You know when you are having a good/decent day, the colors are prominent and your goals are forefront in your mind? Ok, keep that image. Now, you just finished running errands (for yourself and others) and someone just shits in your fucking cheerios with a simple backhanded/sarcastic compliment followed up with multiple complaints. How do you feel? No matter how many fucks I throw away each and every day, shit still bothers me. Trying hard and told its not enough, almost randomly, is probably the most disrespectful thing you can do to someone. I don't care who you think you are, EVERYONE is equal and nothing is below you. Don't disrespect someone because you are having a bad day, babe. Its not worth it for either party. If you don't like something, change it yourself. You don't have to involve anyone in your misery or change. Jussss saaayyyin'.

Ok, any-fucking-who, I feel weird and I wish I had friends.

I'm especially annoyed at the fact that my rant has everything to do with halting my plans for the rest of the day and THAT pisses me off. I'm trying to get a into a routine, I need to get to the gym, it is my fucking therapy. whew. Ok, I'm done, sorry guys <3

It is October, cheer the fuck up, pookie!

Got Problems?

Now, don't get me wrong, I am so very appreciative of everything and everyone. But, yesterday was a really hard day for me. After that busy week, I was so exhausted, my brain was fried.

All the things that caused me to feel bad, ran through my mind like a pack of wild animals. I was homesick, I am still in shock over getting my driver's license, seeing Get Scared with my own eyes. It was very stressful on my psyche. I want to love every moment of these things, but it is so hard to believe they even happened! I am a nervous nelly, I am a worry wart, I self-sabatage on a daily basis, I am unhealthy for me, lol.
Every time I get butterflies, this little voice tells me "What if you wake up and you are still a useless, nervous wreck? What if you have only been dreaming that you've changed? What if none of this is real?"
It's not that its a bad thing, its just discouraging.
Everything has been so surreal, life changing. All I that needed to be done on my part was me JUST DOING IT. How was that so difficult before?
I'm proud of myself, I deserve everything that i've done for myself, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to do so. Just feel that! Feel the happiness and enjoy. Life is too short to doubt your own accomplishments, no matter how big or small!

Say this with me:

"I'm proud of who I am, who I was, and who I will become. I love myself. I am blessed with the life that I have been given. I will hold my head high, I will carry on even if I want to give up! This is my life, and no matter how rough my life gets, it will always be MINE."

Ah, ok.

So far, today has been OK. I am glad, too!

Whoa, Where'd I Go?

I have been gone for a few...I had BIIIG stuff goin' on. Big stuff!

I tried vlogging yesterday, too short of clips but I will put them together anyway because I am committed, damn it!

So, a quick summary of the last couple of days:

• Took my road test and it went something like this...

I PASSED THE FREAKING ROAD TEST!!! Under the worst conditions!!! Lol 

So, I was really nervous, the lady was really nice and laid back. Then, as we left the building to head to our car (testing in our car) and this crazy lady pulls up throwing a fit about a receipt. We all went back inside, then the crazy lady found it in her own pile of papers and the instructor just rolled her eyes. We get out to the car and she asks to check the blinkers...right blinker is out. After everything our poor car has been through, a blinker FINALLY goes out THE day of my road test. She almost rescheduled, but changed her mind and got in the car. All of the sudden, "road work ahead" and "raining like crazy". So, she was nice enough to cut the route in half. I asked her "do you judge road tests as harshly as your students?" She said "yes, buuut we do give everyone a chance to correct their errors." We get back and she gives me the PASS. We walk out to the car and the sun is shining like it never torrential rained. LOL even though everything that could go wrong, pretty much did, I still passed  OMG I am still in shock!!

• Went to the mvd, the very next day. I now have my license! Yay me...about damn time!
• Then we headed straight to The Launchpad for the Get Scared concert...HOLY DAMN IT WAS SO AMAZING!!! THEY ROCKED MY SOCKS OFF!
• My boyfriend starts work saturday

I'm so tired from all the GO GO GO, I don't know what to do with myself! 

Sorry, you guys know that when I am excited, all grammar and structure go out the window. This post is fucking crazy and all over the place...Love yooou