Hi, I suck

I am really missing my camera, today :(

I'm terrible at sharing things. So, long story short, I braided in the natural style dreads into my own hair the other day. I only wore them for a few days, took pictures today, then I took them out as soon as I got home, haha! 

I wanted to vlog, take nice photos, shoot tutorials but I don't have a way to. My computer has been acting very strange, no idea why. I'm very thankful for the awesome iPad 2 that the g-man just bought me! It's awesome! 

I have my beautiful sewing machine, thanks to my mom! Now I just have to set it up. Damn, I wish I had my canon, I wanna cry lol

I'm appreciative of the wonderful things I have, the people in my life. 

It's getting really chilly here...ahem, denial speaking, ITS FUCKING COLD! Lol I'm freezing my ass off over here!!! Ahh, yep.

Love you guys, I'll post pictures later, my fingers are freezing over as I type this.😫

'Tis The Season For Change

It seems that many people are experiencing HUGE changes this season.
For me, something clicked in my brain, something I never thought would actually happen. I am now back in contact with my father! That is a big deal for me, I've gone 7 years without any communication. The amount of heartbreak I've gone through, during that time, is unmeasurable. 

Laugh, if you will, about the little goth girl with daddy issues. I will admit it! During my teen years, I was a bad girl, I did bad things because of my daddy issues.

The timing couldn't have been better. I needed to be right with myself before I could be right with my dad. Luckily, the same went for him. I feel like a huge hole has been filled.

I always wondered if our relationship would be better when I became an adult. I'm sure it's easier to talk to an adult than a needy child. Also, I'm grateful that everything happened the way it did. I would not be who I am today if things had gone any differently, in my past.

The G-man is, also, experiencing the change and the shift in his life. My mom, too. Everyone is feeling it!

Things are better, I can't deny that!

How about you? Any changes going on?

Panic Attack at the Library

Yes, I'm finally making videos again!

EEK!

Dreads and Hardcandy

New Video

What's On My To-Do List (WARNING! Negative AF)

I'm constantly encouraged and discouraged to do or not to do anything and everything!
I've expressed my confusion, I've embraced myself since. I do not have a motivator, I do not have a reason to push, I deny punishment for being me.
The first order of business is: Independence.
The shitty thing about living in this country is the illusion of independence. If you have independence, you have nothing else. If you are dependent, you have nothing else.
It is a vicious cycle that we all end up stuck in.
The second thing on the list is: Find happiness.
Number 2 is swallowed by number 1, thus canceling each other out.
How to make a real to do list, now that is the trick.
I don't think about reward, I only focus on consequence. That may seem EXTREMELY negative, but I have to keep my feet on the ground. In all reality, I will not waste my time nor my money on something that someone can take away from me; school. Because, here in America, they aim to punish their people for getting an education. If I am punished for bettering myself by a force larger than me, I will not put myself in a position to be punished by anything else. Whilst I am at the mercy of others, I am not myself. If I am not myself, then I cannot do for anyone what I would do if I were me.
The point of my existence is a sad one. I'm currently considered a piss-ant to society because I am not currently enslaved by big business. The single time that I worked for a large company, I was sexually harassed, yelled at for going to the bathroom, and told that they "expect me to do a job that normally requires a team of 9 people" by myself. The best job I ever had was the one where I worked for myself. I stayed up all night, slept for just a few hours every couple of days, I worked my ass off. I was a dread maker. I made hair pieces for people. I went out of my way for anyone, I only made a few dollars a day to keep the art affordable to my customers. It did not last long, but I loved it. Now, the economy is shit and everyone keeps getting sucked into the ugly truth, the pure neglect and disrespect we receive as we are trapped under the thumb of the poor choices made for us. I'd rather go to a different country, a friendly, loving, supportive country.

Ideal to-do list

1. Get the fuck out of this country
2. Go to school and graduate (debt free)
3. Finally be able to contribute to society (properly)
4. Happiness is achieved
5. Live happily ever after (damn it)

Reality

1. Find minimum wage job (zero benefits)
2. Fight to get on medicaid
3. Get denied medicaid
4. Pay over half my paycheck to medical coverage AFTER 40% taxes are taken (by force)
5. Live under someone struggling just as bad as you
6. Enroll in school
7. Either lose job because of school, or lose school because of job
8. Thousands of dollars in debt (garnished wages)
9. In my 30's, can't afford to help myself, let alone a child
10. Die early

Yay, 'MERICA

FUCK!

Suffer

If you pay close enough attention, you might see this all around you.

Insecure, self-conscious, guarded individuals, struggling to even walk around in public.

These people have secrets, pain and doubt dragging them down. These people are not to be fucked with! 

I have days where I can keep my chin up just enough to keep my tell-tale signs hidden. Other days, it takes every ounce of strength I can muster, just to leave the bedroom. I have issues. I am a ticking time bomb, and I scare myself. 

I'm afraid of putting myself in a situation where anyone would see what I'm capable of. I fight everyday to keep myself from affecting anyone else.

All of this energy is wasted on keeping myself in this box. I feel like I could be doing something great, but I'm stuck. I feel cornered.

Like any animal, when I'm cornered, I get crazy. My mind encircles this idea of what I could do, what I want to do. 

I'm starting to understand people who require an escape. When you open your eyes and understand your surroundings, it all suddenly becomes bleak and worthless. All your efforts, all of your precious time is being thrown away. This life is no longer magical or exciting. Now, its just about fear and self-loathing. We are put here to suffer, to dream of something better, but never achieve it. There ARE better places to be, better lives to live, but its not for me. I saw this coming, many years ago. I knew at that point in my life that, this is how its going to be from now on.

I was too young to change it, then. 

I'm too depressed to change it, now.

What the fuck is anyone supposed to do, other than bend over and take it, whether you like it or not. I hate this.

I knew then, what I know now and I still couldn't change it.

cool.

When someone tells me "Change it! You have the power to"

I disagree. I've put myself in a place where change is not a possibility and the only thing I can do is what i've been doing for so long and it has gotten me nowhere. It is not an option, a choice, it is a physical and mental PLACE. A blip on the map, it exists and it is here.

Well, what the hell does that mean?!

It means:

I have accepted myself many times, I've rejected myself many times. It is not me, it is the land that I sit, but not occupy. It is mine, but it is not. It is everything, it is nothing. It is a Godless prison. It is words, a fluctuation of noises that actually means something. It is monopoly. It is losing at a game that can never have a winner. It is reality, it is fantasy. It is here and now. 

I have taken many dives. I know how to swim...well, I can kind of float. With success comes great responsibility. That last part is always forgotten.

I can not succeed as I am, or as I will be as long as "here" exists. 

The illusion of independence is the worst kind of deception this place has to offer. It disgusts me and I wish it gone.

If I can't live in my world, I will not live in someone else's.

If I cannot be, then I won't.

My point is, depression is a very scary thing. It is a dark place that awaits the tender hearted.  When we feel like this, we are setting ourselves up for the worst. It is a defense, if you expect it then you will either be surprised, or you will not. Physical things may keep the darkness at bay, but it will not obliterate it. It is a constant battle and NO ONE should be alone while they fight.