I did it

I finally did it.

I completed my gastro appointments! I let them knock me out twice (huge deal for me).
I'm going to talk about the whole experience as true to my reality as possible.

The Endoscopy: I was terrified. I worked myself into tears for about a week before the actual appointment. I thought "I'm gonna die. I'm going to have a bad reaction to the anesthesia, or choke, or just stop breathing. I know it. This is my last week on this earth." Now, usually, with my anxiety, when its that bad I have to become accepting of my death before conquering the fear itself. I know I sound like a crazy bitch, maybe I am.
So, I woke up the day before the appointment in a very harsh depression. I was trying to pep talk myself, but I just couldn't do it. I followed the directions of no food after 7 pm and proceeded to have the shittiest night of sleep ever. I fell asleep with a migraine, I woke up with said migraine. We drove over an hour to the gastro place. Without any food in my system, my adrenaline fell short. I just shook like a leaf and started crying. My mom tried to distract me, my boyfriend tried to comfort me, but I was petrified. The nurse called me back, I felt like I had cinder blocks for feet. They got me into the bed and started my saline drip when I started crying again. The nurse was so sweet, she kept reassuring me that it was going to be so quick and easy, that there was nothing to worry about. The anesthesiologist came in to reassure me, also. A charming man with a heartwarming smile, that way about him made me feel like I was being silly about this whole thing. He wheeled me into the procedure room, a short ride straight out of my nightmares, but he carried on conversation with me like no biggie. My doc was there, all calm and cool. Everyone seemed chill, except for the tiny nurse in the room. I don't remember her very well, just that she had that natural 'fucking-wide-eyed-scared-to-death' look plastered on her face. That was unsettling. They took my glasses off, quickly started going over the procedure again when the anesthesiologist said "Ok, you are going to feel light headed then you are asleep, just like that..." and that is exactly how it went. I was out. Just quick blackness, like a long blink. Before I knew it, they woke me up. I opened my eyes to my mom and boyfriend walking toward me when I realized how drunk I felt. It was a good drunk, but drunk none the less. The first thing out of my mouth was "I TWILIGHTED ON MY PERIOD" which was true, but a 25 year old woman did not have to yell that to a room of other patients! LOL. When the doc came to tell me how everything went, I looked at him and said "I'm a twi-hard and proud of it". I don't know why the hell I was saying these true things, but it was kinda fun, extremely hilarious! I had a great day after that, a great few days, but then I had my colonoscopy to worry about the following week.

The Colonoscopy: Alright, a few days before prep, I was barely eating. I had no appetite, no interest in getting nutrition in. I started feeling that panic again. I didn't know how I was gonna feel on a liquid diet while shitting my brains out for an entire day! Luckily, my doc wasn't a total brat and let me use magnesium citrate, 2-10 ounce bottles, no big deal compared to the gallon of thick, salty ass juice I would've otherwise had to use.
Prep day sucked. Clear liquid diet really makes you appreciate living your life how you wanna. When it came time to start the laxative, I was nervous, I didn't know how it was going to fair with my insides due to my sensitive guts. The stuff I got was grape flavored. Lets talk about that in detail. Grape magnesium citrate is a tart/kinda salty/lightly bubby/sweet drink that was really hard to choke down on an empty stomach, holy fuck.
About 3 hours went by and I still hadn't finished my first bottle, nor had I shit yet. I was getting nervous because I just wanted this over with! I didn't want to have to do this all over again!!
About 8:12 pm, I guzzled down the rest of the first bottle and started the second while trying to stay hydrated, then came the beginning of the waterfalls. No cramping, just waterfalls, thank the heavens.
Now, the morning was easy, I still had the squirts but nothing I couldn't handle. We got there and I had the sweet nurse again, yay. But, she informed me that I had a different anesthesiologist. My heart sank, how is this gonna go? She assured me that it was going to be the same as last time. "Alright, ok."
This guy was not as charming and talkative as the first. He quietly wheeled me to the sterile room, I thought to myself "THIS could be a great start to a scary story".
This anesthesiologist DID give me something different than the first, AND he pumped the sedative into my IV right in front of me, the other guy did not. He said "This one will make your throat numb, and this one will make you sleep." I watched as he pumped this thick,white shit into my IV and I watched my vain puff up, my stomach clenched, but then I got sleepy. He had warned me that I might hear things while I'm under and if I stop breathing, he'd wake me up. So not charming!!!
When they woke me up, I was so very groggy and distant. I could not speak, my throat was so dry and painful. All the things I expected of the endoscopy (cuz throat stuff) happened for my colonoscopy! ASS BACKWARDS!!! It took HOURS for me to start feeling like myself again. I still had the shits for the rest of the day, the gas was painful (they warned me of that as well). But, the upper was no damn problem, the one I was worried about the most was actually FUN compared to the lower, soooooo. Yeah.

Everything looked fine. I get the biopsy results tomorrow. The doc says he really thinks its just acid reflux and ibs. The end.

I feel great now, a few days later. I don't ever wanna do this again! But, I did not die, my fears have proven themselves, once again, as irrational and time consuming as chipping paint without a tool. YEP.

Thank you for reading. K BYE.

My Favorite Non-Goth Youtubers

Hey you! I thought I'd switch it up today by starting my list of ungoth things.
Here are some of my favorite non-goth youtubers:

Buff Bunny/Heidi Somers

Coolirpa

Bubzvlogs

Buffdudes

Threadbanger (still, I've been subscribed since 2009ish)

TexanInTokyo (no longer active, cute videos though)

That's all for now. Of course there are many more, these are just the first that come to mind, and bring on the good feels!

Thank you for reading, I love ya <3

8 Goth DIY Tips

Hey! Today's post is targeted toward goths/alternative types, but these tips may help anyone of any fold. I have made a post or two about this before, this is more of a revisit.

 

To start, these tips are personal to me. They are based on my likes and opinions, only!

 

1. Thrift Shop

 

It is so underrated! Thrifting has been the most fun I have ever had while shopping! If you don't thrift, you should at least try it. Not every thrift shop is for everyone, just like any other store. Find one that works for you, fall in love with it, know their clearance days. For example, here in Tucson, the 3rd Saturday of every month they have a 50% off everything sale!

 

2. Sewing

 

I know sewing is a sensitive subject for some. Let me tell ya, I suck at it and I've been sewing for 6 years. I have even invested in a $200 brother serger! It doesn't really matter how bad I suck at sewing, I like my clothes unique and fucked up anyway. Plus, if you thrift some nice material, you can sew a whole new article of clothing and not feel too bad if you screw it up.

 

3. Print your own t-shirts

 

There are many methods of printing your own design on to clothing. I made video on how to make your own stencil:

 

 

 

As well as making your own stencils, you can make your own silk screen too. I plan on making a video on that as well, very soon. Acrylic paint is cheaper and more effective than fabric paints!

 

4. Clearance

 

I'm sure you are aware of pawing through every clearance rack in sight, and my mention earlier about thrift shops clearance days. What about clearance materials? I know, you may not like sewing, but you may not even have to touch a needle and thread. There are tons of tutorials on "no-sew" goth clothes and diys and such. If you check the Walmart craft section, they usually have "clearance" fabrics. If you buy fabric from Walmart, take it all (if this becomes a usual craft for you) because that specific fabric will never be seen again!

 

5. Studs and Spikes

 

Buying and applying your own studs and spikes can be extremely satisfying! Ebay is a great place for this. If convenience is what you are looking for, Michael's and hobby lobby usually have small bags of studs for a few bucks more.

 

6. Plain Black

 

By combining a few of the previous tips, buying plain black articles is a must! For example, I buy comfy, plain, black flip flops from Walmart. Now I can add anything to them. Studs, spikes, print, the options are endless.

 

7. For the care of your hair

 

Going off the path for a moment. I've had my hair so many different colors, I have officially touched the damn rainbow!

• Red: The hardest color to keep, yet, the hardest to get rid of! Louna (on youtube) has some great tips on how she keeps her hair red. The maintenance was too much for me, and every single time I dyed it red, it was never the same red as before! 
• Purple: The most laid back color of them all. Purple was easy to maintain, took forever to fade. Fades very well!
• Pink: Difficult! Extremely hard to get out of hair, especially splat. It fades to pastel, of course. Always fades unevenly for me.
• Blue: I hated blue on me. It never EVER wanted to leave! The green clung for far too long! If you go blue, avoid the dyes that contain yellow/green, unless that's what you are going for!
• Blonde: Hair death!! For me, it was harder to maintain blonde (My natural color) than black!

To care for your hair, I suggest using a nutrient rich, low chemical shampoo and conditioner. Personally, I use Miracle 7 Keratin (not sponsored) shampoo, conditioner, and deep conditioner from sally's. It has never stripped my color, my hair responds very well to this stuff! If you have natural/ethnic/porous hair, be very careful when bleaching! I'm no cosmetologist, but I am aware of the sensitivity of that hair type. DEEEP CONDITION OFTEN! There are a bunch of diy hair masks on youtube. I've never had much success with making homemade hair care, but I can tell you that Vaseline is NOT a moisturizer! Please don't put that garbage in your hair! Now, for the ultimate secret pertaining to this tip...
I guess we will number this one by itself, because it is one of my two biggest secrets/tips.

8. DIY purple hair dye
Hang in there, I'm almost done! This tip has been quite the life saver for me when I was fun coloring my hair!

Gentian Violet!
Mix just a few drops with conditioner and use as a toner. 6-10 drops as a dye. I've even had it so dark that it looked black for over a week. It fades so nicely, I loved this stuff! Add it to your red to darken the shade. Its an amazing additive, or a dye by itself.
You can find this stuff at Walmart for just a couple of dollars and it LASTS! Look in the first aid aisle, if you don't find it there, it may be hiding in the baby section.

That is all I have for you today. If I think of anymore, I will put it in a post <3

Thank you for reading, I love ya beauties!!!!

 

The Spoils Of Business

Hey you! Firstly, thank you for reading my garb, I know I'm often long winded and whiney. I appreciate your time, I really do!

I will cut to the chase and address the title, the spoils of business, meaning that I am benefitting from investing in my business. My lucky streak has extended and I couldn't be happier! I have purchased a serger, invested in lighting for videos, and now I have a laptop that will serve me greatly in my attempts of educating myself and starting my business. The lucky streak I'm referring to is a bit long winded, but I do find happiness in giving credit where is it due.

1. It all began with tears of sadness. My boyfriend was talking to me about a video game the other day. He said "...and during the renaissance..." when a light bulb suddenly exploded in my brain. The ren fair! Due to our situation, not only are the tickets far out of price range, but the travel was too great as well. Tears welled in my eyes, my chin quivered. I felt like someone crushed my heart, murdered my dreams. Then, my phone rings, its my boss...telling me to put in my vacation hours if I wasn't going to use them! The timing was so impeccable, I couldn't believe it! That Friday, instead of spending a double check on a stressful ren fair trip, I bought a serger instead. Best decision EVER! I was so elated! Its been over 2 years since I used a serger, and almost 2 years since I lost mine in the house fire. YAY!
2. My mood being a 10/10 for jumping right back into using a serger like I had never lost my old one, I had a new set of eyes. I was watching ToxicTears new video about the goth elitists and the bullshit she has been put through for being goth. Of course it struck a cord with me and I decided to make a video, myself. THEN, I decided to continue making videos. I have extremely low confidence, but I will stand up for the things/people I believe in. I've made a few mentions about goth elitism here on my blog, but it has only gotten worse! I feel like, even if only a couple of people watch my video, or read my blog, than I have made enough of an impact to make it worth the stress it puts me through whenever I bare my heart and soul on a video. I will continue to make videos, which brings me to my next point.
3. Dear boyfriend, I'm sorry and I love you. The G-man wanted to go out and purchase a ps3 to play the old mgs games. I support him in the video game playing. We go out and everything keeps shitting on him. He turned in a few ps4 games for cash, got WAY more than he expected, but not quite enough to do what he wanted to do. So, in a desperate attempt, we moseyed our way to our favorite pawn shop. Luckily, this pawn shop had exactly what he was looking for, but his mind changed quickly. He wanted a gun instead. As he gawked over the rifles on clearance, I strolled around the store until I got to the laptops. They never usually have anything good for a decent price when it comes to electronics, but today was my lucky day! There, among the beaten and broken $200+ laptops sat a clean, barely used acer with windows 10...for $155!!! That was unbelievable to my eyes. I heard a voice in my head say "No fucking way, dude!" I squealed as I skipped over to my gawking boyfriend "Babe, don't hate me. Come here!" He was intrigued by my sudden glee. I asked him "Should I do layaway?!" he responded "No, just get it now!" I proceeded to the desk, trying desperately to contain myself. When the lady at the desk came over to the laptop area, I pointed "That one, $155! Is that right?!" She looked very worried, a bit shocked and said "Um, that is a really low price for such a new computer! Let me...I'll be right back." I thought about it only for a moment, as soon as she disappeared to the back, I jetted over to the guy at the desk and said "I'm buying THAT laptop...right now!" What a charming salesman, by the way! He giggled and gave me shit about how he was gonna buy it, blah blah blah. While he was checking us out, the lady came back with this destroyed look on her face, "You decided to just buy it, huh?" I smiled ear to ear and nodded. Her eyes dropped to the floor and she slunked  away. I thanked my boyfriend, apologized because we came there for him, but his support was too strong.

Here I sit, OUTSIDE, on my new touchscreen acer laptop! yay!
Now I can live chat and video edit, and blog. My world is so happy right now! I'm so happy!

Thank you so much for reading this long ass post. I love ya!

Amino Goth

Wow, ok. If you thought this was a paid review, you are greatly mistaken.

I have heard very few things about the amino app, specifically the gothic forum, so in my mind I thought it would be this cool little nook with a bunch of like-minded goths. I was also greatly mistaken. Very few people post on there, I don't know if that is usual or not. But, among those few people, I found a small pocket of goth elitism. I'm positive that young/immature people "run" the forum, but so far it has been a nightmare and I've only spend 20 minutes there! I've put myself on there as I am, the pathetic, anti-social loner with no life. So far, a 40-ish year old man has tried to privately contact me. Off to a shit start already. I may be posting this to those very people, I don't care. This is my public blog and the only place I truly feel comfortable expressing myself. On that note, any place on the Internet labeled "goth" should be a comfortable place for anyone and everyone to express themselves. Unfortunately, that is not the case, currently.

This really sucks, I just need some like-minded people, aka open minded people. Is abstract thinking illegal now? If so, I haven't gotten the memo. Everyone has been so focused on how they look, caring soooo much about what other people think of them, which is not what goth is about. I get it, really, I'm extremely self-conscious! But, when a teenage girl is asking goths why they hate her/pastel goths and why goths don't accept pastel goth as goth....head spinning, I know. My whole life as a goth, it has been such a huge thing that, as a goth, you don't care what other people think and you don't judge other people negatively. What the fuck happened?! Where have my people gone?!

Now, I'm limited to watching these beautiful gothic women sell themselves on YouTube just to make enough money to keep making videos for YouTube. It's crazy to me! Don't get me wrong, I understand, it's just heartbreaking how much we are all distancing ourselves from each other. I think I've said this before, but if this is how goth is, I don't want to be goth anymore.

Now, you know I'm going to continue to fit the part, but you know what I'm saying. I will soon be an elder goth, someone the youngens look up to. I solemnly swear that I will protect the ways I have been taught and I will keep the ways alive as I teach them to my students.

Rant over. 

If you still read my crap, I love you and I wish we could hang out.

<3 zaney