Follow me through the depths of my mind and my life. Find what's down in the underground!
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
What's On My To-Do List (WARNING! Negative AF)
I'm constantly encouraged and discouraged to do or not to do anything and everything!
I've expressed my confusion, I've embraced myself since. I do not have a motivator, I do not have a reason to push, I deny punishment for being me.
The first order of business is: Independence.
The shitty thing about living in this country is the illusion of independence. If you have independence, you have nothing else. If you are dependent, you have nothing else.
It is a vicious cycle that we all end up stuck in.
The second thing on the list is: Find happiness.
Number 2 is swallowed by number 1, thus canceling each other out.
How to make a real to do list, now that is the trick.
I don't think about reward, I only focus on consequence. That may seem EXTREMELY negative, but I have to keep my feet on the ground. In all reality, I will not waste my time nor my money on something that someone can take away from me; school. Because, here in America, they aim to punish their people for getting an education. If I am punished for bettering myself by a force larger than me, I will not put myself in a position to be punished by anything else. Whilst I am at the mercy of others, I am not myself. If I am not myself, then I cannot do for anyone what I would do if I were me.
The point of my existence is a sad one. I'm currently considered a piss-ant to society because I am not currently enslaved by big business. The single time that I worked for a large company, I was sexually harassed, yelled at for going to the bathroom, and told that they "expect me to do a job that normally requires a team of 9 people" by myself. The best job I ever had was the one where I worked for myself. I stayed up all night, slept for just a few hours every couple of days, I worked my ass off. I was a dread maker. I made hair pieces for people. I went out of my way for anyone, I only made a few dollars a day to keep the art affordable to my customers. It did not last long, but I loved it. Now, the economy is shit and everyone keeps getting sucked into the ugly truth, the pure neglect and disrespect we receive as we are trapped under the thumb of the poor choices made for us. I'd rather go to a different country, a friendly, loving, supportive country.
Ideal to-do list
I've expressed my confusion, I've embraced myself since. I do not have a motivator, I do not have a reason to push, I deny punishment for being me.
The first order of business is: Independence.
The shitty thing about living in this country is the illusion of independence. If you have independence, you have nothing else. If you are dependent, you have nothing else.
It is a vicious cycle that we all end up stuck in.
The second thing on the list is: Find happiness.
Number 2 is swallowed by number 1, thus canceling each other out.
How to make a real to do list, now that is the trick.
I don't think about reward, I only focus on consequence. That may seem EXTREMELY negative, but I have to keep my feet on the ground. In all reality, I will not waste my time nor my money on something that someone can take away from me; school. Because, here in America, they aim to punish their people for getting an education. If I am punished for bettering myself by a force larger than me, I will not put myself in a position to be punished by anything else. Whilst I am at the mercy of others, I am not myself. If I am not myself, then I cannot do for anyone what I would do if I were me.
The point of my existence is a sad one. I'm currently considered a piss-ant to society because I am not currently enslaved by big business. The single time that I worked for a large company, I was sexually harassed, yelled at for going to the bathroom, and told that they "expect me to do a job that normally requires a team of 9 people" by myself. The best job I ever had was the one where I worked for myself. I stayed up all night, slept for just a few hours every couple of days, I worked my ass off. I was a dread maker. I made hair pieces for people. I went out of my way for anyone, I only made a few dollars a day to keep the art affordable to my customers. It did not last long, but I loved it. Now, the economy is shit and everyone keeps getting sucked into the ugly truth, the pure neglect and disrespect we receive as we are trapped under the thumb of the poor choices made for us. I'd rather go to a different country, a friendly, loving, supportive country.
Ideal to-do list
- Get the fuck out of this country
- Go to school and graduate (debt free)
- Finally be able to contribute to society (properly)
- Happiness is achieved
- Live happily ever after (damn it)
Reality
- Find minimum wage job (zero benefits)
- Fight to get on medicaid
- Get denied medicaid
- Pay over half my paycheck to medical coverage AFTER 40% taxes are taken (by force)
- Live under someone struggling just as bad as you
- Enroll in school
- Either lose job because of school, or lose school because of job
- Thousands of dollars in debt (garnished wages)
- In my 30's, can't afford to help myself, let alone a child
- Die early
Yay, 'MERICA
FUCK!
Monday, November 2, 2015
Suffer
If you pay close enough attention, you might see this all around you.
Insecure, self-conscious, guarded individuals, struggling to even walk around in public.
These people have secrets, pain and doubt dragging them down. These people are not to be fucked with!
I have days where I can keep my chin up just enough to keep my tell-tale signs hidden. Other days, it takes every ounce of strength I can muster, just to leave the bedroom. I have issues. I am a ticking time bomb, and I scare myself.
I'm afraid of putting myself in a situation where anyone would see what I'm capable of. I fight everyday to keep myself from affecting anyone else.
All of this energy is wasted on keeping myself in this box. I feel like I could be doing something great, but I'm stuck. I feel cornered.
Like any animal, when I'm cornered, I get crazy. My mind encircles this idea of what I could do, what I want to do.
I'm starting to understand people who require an escape. When you open your eyes and understand your surroundings, it all suddenly becomes bleak and worthless. All your efforts, all of your precious time is being thrown away. This life is no longer magical or exciting. Now, its just about fear and self-loathing. We are put here to suffer, to dream of something better, but never achieve it. There ARE better places to be, better lives to live, but its not for me. I saw this coming, many years ago. I knew at that point in my life that, this is how its going to be from now on.
I was too young to change it, then.
I'm too depressed to change it, now.
What the fuck is anyone supposed to do, other than bend over and take it, whether you like it or not. I hate this.
I knew then, what I know now and I still couldn't change it.
cool.
When someone tells me "Change it! You have the power to"
I disagree. I've put myself in a place where change is not a possibility and the only thing I can do is what i've been doing for so long and it has gotten me nowhere. It is not an option, a choice, it is a physical and mental PLACE. A blip on the map, it exists and it is here.
Well, what the hell does that mean?!
It means:
I have accepted myself many times, I've rejected myself many times. It is not me, it is the land that I sit, but not occupy. It is mine, but it is not. It is everything, it is nothing. It is a Godless prison. It is words, a fluctuation of noises that actually means something. It is monopoly. It is losing at a game that can never have a winner. It is reality, it is fantasy. It is here and now.
I have taken many dives. I know how to swim...well, I can kind of float. With success comes great responsibility. That last part is always forgotten.
I can not succeed as I am, or as I will be as long as "here" exists.
The illusion of independence is the worst kind of deception this place has to offer. It disgusts me and I wish it gone.
If I can't live in my world, I will not live in someone else's.
If I cannot be, then I won't.
My point is, depression is a very scary thing. It is a dark place that awaits the tender hearted. When we feel like this, we are setting ourselves up for the worst. It is a defense, if you expect it then you will either be surprised, or you will not. Physical things may keep the darkness at bay, but it will not obliterate it. It is a constant battle and NO ONE should be alone while they fight.
Friday, October 16, 2015
ISO New Life
No matter how much I think I've changed over the last few months, I really haven't.
It's bothering me, how comfortable then uncomfortable I get. It happens so quickly and often. I'll forget all the bad shit, then BAM, it all comes flooding back with a vengeance. I'll feel great, then hate myself for it.
I reach out then draw back so hard that I end up back in a hole.
I need new life.
I understand that happiness is a 'to-each-their-own' thing and is created by the person who harbors it. It is a simple fucking concept. "THIS SHIT MAKES ME HAPPY SO I DO IT AND I'M HAPPY" It is not that hard! But, I let other people's nonsense get to me, I'm so sensitive that I have no other option than to give a fuck or two. My brain, my soul get sucked into someone's atmosphere.
My papa always told me, since I was a little girl, "Be the thermostat, not the thermometer".
I thought I understood that as a kid, but he explained "You set the energy, you be the energy that fills every room you walk into. If you keep taking in the popular energy, you become that energy, thus never having your own to begin."
To me, that was always a challenge. I mastered this practice for years, then lost it. I lost the know-how when I lost faith in humanity, pretty much. I no longer care enough to disperse my energy, I feel like no one deserves it. I know that sounds egotistical, but think about it. If you walked into, let's say...a bar. Some have been there for hours, others just showed up. Karaoke is available and you want to sing. No one else is singing, in fact, everyone is kind of grouped together like highschoolers. You walk up to the karaoke machine and it does not have a song you know. How long are you going to stand there contemplating whether or not to even try?
That is EVERY social experience I've had since I moved away from my home town. No one speaks my language, no one really understands me, and now I'm glad they don't. Everyone I've met here has one thing in mind "Get dirt on this bitch". That is the primary goal of "socializing" here. The lesser percentage of people are dumb and dull with no will, rhyme or reason! There was a 20 year old girl working at walmart as my cashier, I sparked conversation with her, she looked like a nice person. This is how it went:
Me: Hey, how's your day going?
Mia: Oh...not bad.
Me: That's good...So, how do you like working here at the glorious walmart?
Mia: It's alright, I guess.
Me: Have they started the $10 an hour here yet?
Mia: Well, they hire in at $8 something then bump you up.
Me: Thats not bad, actually! When I worked here, it was over night, I hated it, but it would've been worth it for the shift differential at $10 an hour!
Mia: Yeah, I have a daughter and I can't afford daycare for her while working here...
Me: Oh, that sucks
Mia: Yeah, I'm thinking about going to a call center, they pay way higher...and offer daycare and stuff.
Me: Cool, Let me know how that goes *laugh*
Mia: Yeah, heh. Have a good day.
This poor girl was so lifeless, she looked like she wanted to try but just couldn't.
I'm not dogging on this young lady, I'm making a point. It doesn't matter where you go, everyone here is either for the drama or for "not much at all, so yeeeah." LOL
If I could have at least one friend that didn't eat drama to stay alive, or that had more than one fucking facial expression, that'd be great! I'M DYING HERE!! ONE INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION!!!! ONE NORMAL (non awkward) NUMBER EXCHANGE!! One fucking coffee without a jealous spouse....for real!
Love you guys<3
It's bothering me, how comfortable then uncomfortable I get. It happens so quickly and often. I'll forget all the bad shit, then BAM, it all comes flooding back with a vengeance. I'll feel great, then hate myself for it.
I reach out then draw back so hard that I end up back in a hole.
I need new life.
I understand that happiness is a 'to-each-their-own' thing and is created by the person who harbors it. It is a simple fucking concept. "THIS SHIT MAKES ME HAPPY SO I DO IT AND I'M HAPPY" It is not that hard! But, I let other people's nonsense get to me, I'm so sensitive that I have no other option than to give a fuck or two. My brain, my soul get sucked into someone's atmosphere.
My papa always told me, since I was a little girl, "Be the thermostat, not the thermometer".
I thought I understood that as a kid, but he explained "You set the energy, you be the energy that fills every room you walk into. If you keep taking in the popular energy, you become that energy, thus never having your own to begin."
To me, that was always a challenge. I mastered this practice for years, then lost it. I lost the know-how when I lost faith in humanity, pretty much. I no longer care enough to disperse my energy, I feel like no one deserves it. I know that sounds egotistical, but think about it. If you walked into, let's say...a bar. Some have been there for hours, others just showed up. Karaoke is available and you want to sing. No one else is singing, in fact, everyone is kind of grouped together like highschoolers. You walk up to the karaoke machine and it does not have a song you know. How long are you going to stand there contemplating whether or not to even try?
That is EVERY social experience I've had since I moved away from my home town. No one speaks my language, no one really understands me, and now I'm glad they don't. Everyone I've met here has one thing in mind "Get dirt on this bitch". That is the primary goal of "socializing" here. The lesser percentage of people are dumb and dull with no will, rhyme or reason! There was a 20 year old girl working at walmart as my cashier, I sparked conversation with her, she looked like a nice person. This is how it went:
Me: Hey, how's your day going?
Mia: Oh...not bad.
Me: That's good...So, how do you like working here at the glorious walmart?
Mia: It's alright, I guess.
Me: Have they started the $10 an hour here yet?
Mia: Well, they hire in at $8 something then bump you up.
Me: Thats not bad, actually! When I worked here, it was over night, I hated it, but it would've been worth it for the shift differential at $10 an hour!
Mia: Yeah, I have a daughter and I can't afford daycare for her while working here...
Me: Oh, that sucks
Mia: Yeah, I'm thinking about going to a call center, they pay way higher...and offer daycare and stuff.
Me: Cool, Let me know how that goes *laugh*
Mia: Yeah, heh. Have a good day.
This poor girl was so lifeless, she looked like she wanted to try but just couldn't.
I'm not dogging on this young lady, I'm making a point. It doesn't matter where you go, everyone here is either for the drama or for "not much at all, so yeeeah." LOL
If I could have at least one friend that didn't eat drama to stay alive, or that had more than one fucking facial expression, that'd be great! I'M DYING HERE!! ONE INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION!!!! ONE NORMAL (non awkward) NUMBER EXCHANGE!! One fucking coffee without a jealous spouse....for real!
Love you guys<3
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Endorphin Junkie!
I am becoming addicted to endorphins.
There are now rehab centers that encourage you to get high!
They are called GYMS!
I don't SEE any progress after a whole week and a half of going to the gym. But, I feel it! In fact, I goofed and weighed myself at the blood pressure/bmi machine at walmart, LOL! That was a mistake!
If you watched my fitness journey video, I talked about how I am not going to pay ANY attention to the scale. Even though the bmi thing was insulting, I did not pay any attention to it. It did not haunt me and the numbers don't matter right now.
I haven't filmed anything because I'm trying really hard to pull myself out of a rut and the last thing I want to do is spread any of my negativity!
Now, we go clean up the yard because, according to the police department, we are violating the vegetation law or some shit. I don't know, but any physical activity is welcome. I will probably be a wet, mushy ball of histamines later. Thank the scientists for zyrtec!
I don't SEE any progress after a whole week and a half of going to the gym. But, I feel it! In fact, I goofed and weighed myself at the blood pressure/bmi machine at walmart, LOL! That was a mistake!
If you watched my fitness journey video, I talked about how I am not going to pay ANY attention to the scale. Even though the bmi thing was insulting, I did not pay any attention to it. It did not haunt me and the numbers don't matter right now.
I haven't filmed anything because I'm trying really hard to pull myself out of a rut and the last thing I want to do is spread any of my negativity!
Now, we go clean up the yard because, according to the police department, we are violating the vegetation law or some shit. I don't know, but any physical activity is welcome. I will probably be a wet, mushy ball of histamines later. Thank the scientists for zyrtec!
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Ssh! Rant In Session
You know when you are having a good/decent day, the colors are prominent and your goals are forefront in your mind? Ok, keep that image. Now, you just finished running errands (for yourself and others) and someone just shits in your fucking cheerios with a simple backhanded/sarcastic compliment followed up with multiple complaints. How do you feel? No matter how many fucks I throw away each and every day, shit still bothers me. Trying hard and told its not enough, almost randomly, is probably the most disrespectful thing you can do to someone. I don't care who you think you are, EVERYONE is equal and nothing is below you. Don't disrespect someone because you are having a bad day, babe. Its not worth it for either party. If you don't like something, change it yourself. You don't have to involve anyone in your misery or change. Jussss saaayyyin'.
Ok, any-fucking-who, I feel weird and I wish I had friends.
I'm especially annoyed at the fact that my rant has everything to do with halting my plans for the rest of the day and THAT pisses me off. I'm trying to get a into a routine, I need to get to the gym, it is my fucking therapy. whew. Ok, I'm done, sorry guys <3
It is October, cheer the fuck up, pookie!
Ok, any-fucking-who, I feel weird and I wish I had friends.
I'm especially annoyed at the fact that my rant has everything to do with halting my plans for the rest of the day and THAT pisses me off. I'm trying to get a into a routine, I need to get to the gym, it is my fucking therapy. whew. Ok, I'm done, sorry guys <3
It is October, cheer the fuck up, pookie!
Friday, October 9, 2015
Got Problems?
Now, don't get me wrong, I am so very appreciative of everything and everyone. But, yesterday was a really hard day for me. After that busy week, I was so exhausted, my brain was fried.
All the things that caused me to feel bad, ran through my mind like a pack of wild animals. I was homesick, I am still in shock over getting my driver's license, seeing Get Scared with my own eyes. It was very stressful on my psyche. I want to love every moment of these things, but it is so hard to believe they even happened! I am a nervous nelly, I am a worry wart, I self-sabatage on a daily basis, I am unhealthy for me, lol.
Every time I get butterflies, this little voice tells me "What if you wake up and you are still a useless, nervous wreck? What if you have only been dreaming that you've changed? What if none of this is real?"
It's not that its a bad thing, its just discouraging.
Everything has been so surreal, life changing. All I that needed to be done on my part was me JUST DOING IT. How was that so difficult before?
I'm proud of myself, I deserve everything that i've done for myself, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to do so. Just feel that! Feel the happiness and enjoy. Life is too short to doubt your own accomplishments, no matter how big or small!
Say this with me:
"I'm proud of who I am, who I was, and who I will become. I love myself. I am blessed with the life that I have been given. I will hold my head high, I will carry on even if I want to give up! This is my life, and no matter how rough my life gets, it will always be MINE."
Ah, ok.
So far, today has been OK. I am glad, too!
All the things that caused me to feel bad, ran through my mind like a pack of wild animals. I was homesick, I am still in shock over getting my driver's license, seeing Get Scared with my own eyes. It was very stressful on my psyche. I want to love every moment of these things, but it is so hard to believe they even happened! I am a nervous nelly, I am a worry wart, I self-sabatage on a daily basis, I am unhealthy for me, lol.
Every time I get butterflies, this little voice tells me "What if you wake up and you are still a useless, nervous wreck? What if you have only been dreaming that you've changed? What if none of this is real?"
It's not that its a bad thing, its just discouraging.
Everything has been so surreal, life changing. All I that needed to be done on my part was me JUST DOING IT. How was that so difficult before?
I'm proud of myself, I deserve everything that i've done for myself, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to do so. Just feel that! Feel the happiness and enjoy. Life is too short to doubt your own accomplishments, no matter how big or small!
Say this with me:
"I'm proud of who I am, who I was, and who I will become. I love myself. I am blessed with the life that I have been given. I will hold my head high, I will carry on even if I want to give up! This is my life, and no matter how rough my life gets, it will always be MINE."
Ah, ok.
So far, today has been OK. I am glad, too!
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