I Forgot What I Loved. Hardest Time Of My Life!

I have no clue if anyone ever reads my posts anymore, because I post so fucking often, right?! Well, I forgot how much I love writing in my blog, whether anyone reads it or not. I forgot its more for me than it is for anyone or anything else. 

Here I am! Prepare yourself for a massive over-share!

I'm not sure if I am mentally ill, or disordered. But, I know I am far from normal/average! My brain runs on a different frequency than most people I know. My reality is very different from yours. I am a person of fear, anxiety, happiness, sadness, and wonder. I fear happiness, I have anxiety about wonder, I am sad about everything all the time...It is quite ridiculous! I am very inconsistent, I have very little drive due to my fear of happiness/success. I can tell myself, PROVE to myself just how capable and awesome I am, but the first "can't" that pops in my head, it's all over.

So, knowing all that about me, I can walk you through how I KNEW this years was gonna go, and just how fucking wrong the universe made me feel.

Back in December, 2017, I knew what I was going to accomplish this year, and how I was going to accomplish all that awesomeness...I had a motherfucking game plan, bitches!!!

1. I am going to Detonation (a week long wasteland event where a shit ton of people congregate and do awesome shit together). Fix the rv, get tickets, and go. Boom!
2. Visit Michigan to see all my peoples that I haven't seen in 7 fucking years because the life I chose and the person I am has not let me visit home yet. Was gonna take the rv, changed mind and decided we are gonna FLY because I have never flown and it scares me, but that's what I've been about for 2 fucking years so lets do the damn thing.
3. Visit Prescott, AZ. It's only a few hours from home, we can go in the fall to see all the pretty fucking trees and we can take the rv up there too and stay a few days. yay.
4. Take pole classes. Work on what I can at home and take first pole class. Hot damn, what a plan.

Now, that is a lot, but I was so fuuucking determined, I knew this was gonna work. Those are not the biggest most expensive goals ever. I thought they were reasonable and very very doable.

Here it comes, Detonation prep. I started on our outfits, my uncle started on his millions of projects that included the rv. He diagnosed the rv for me, $100 maybe. Awesome! We planned to help out the wasteland community as much as possible, the men going so very far out of their way to make things happen. It is the middle of February, that ball was just a  rollin'!

We all parted ways after dinner, one evening. The G-man and myself hunkering down, gettin' a little frisky...when my mom texts me to let me know that my grandpa was violently vomiting right after dinner! My heart dropped. My papa never, EVER gets sick...ever. I come over to hear the most awful, chest crushing moans from my grandpa. He was so sick, so suddenly. The G-man told me, "Call 911 right now!" 

I blinked, kind of in a state of denial. I snapped out of it and called 911. Now, being a person of severe anxiety, calling 911 was the single most feared action I have ever performed...still! I calmly stated the situation, they were quick to send out the crew, they knew something wasn't right.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I began shaking like my bones were made of vibrators. I paced the floor, breathing shallowly like I was wearing a corset. I was absolutely useless for about 5 minutes. How embarrassing.

The medics got here and decided that this was no common case of food poisoning. They took my papa away in the ambulance. 

Oh, had I mentioned that the G-man's mom was coming to town?! No?! Alright. My mom, myself, and the G-man sat up until the wee hours of the morning waiting to hear from my uncle on how papa was doing. 6 am, the docs determined that he had Acute Pancreatitis. 

From here until his 6th day in the hospital, my grandfather received THE WORST CARE possible! Papa ended up in ICU, twice! They made him go 6 fucking days without any nutrition! I can't go into all of the details, but I will tell you, it was HORRIBLE!

2 weeks in the hospital, he was finally released. They caused more problems than they fixed. We had to file a grievance which will come to fruition in middle march. My grandpa is still recovering. All the while all of this was happening, I had to try to entertain the in-law, we had to take care of grandma and papa in shifts. Mom and I, G-man and my uncle, me and G-man, mom and uncle. It all has been the absolute worst, most stressful, heart-aching experience of my life!! This whole thing has been harder than dealing with the massive fire we had 2 years ago or so! This. Has. Been. Hard!

Now, my focus will be on the health of my family until further notice. Fuck everything else, all that shit can wait. My family is my life, they are why I am here. This reality check has been the hardest I have ever known. I just hope my papa will pull through and have a healthy and happy life.

I am sorry to my friends, I am so sorry that I may not make it up there this year...again. I am sorry to the person I was trying to become, you are going to have to wait another while. I am sorry for my papa that he has gone through the worst pain a person can go through, and for the shitty fucking pitiful excuse for "care" he received in that place. I am sorry to my family for how hard this has been. I am sorry to G-man for seeing him even less than I did before. 

I am grateful that my papa is alive. I am grateful for all of the love and emotional support we received from friends and family afar. I am grateful of myself for being present and quick, smart and resilient. I know me, and I did pretty fucking well through the hardest time of my life so far! Pat. On. The. Back! lol

Let's write more, k? It might be the only thing that keeps us sane.