Rant Warning!!

Beware of the vulgar words expressed in this very emotional post.


It all started back in February of 2018.
Before, I never thought things could get worse, I'd even say "As long as things don't get worse, I will be fine."
I didn't think they'd get this bad. Now, we are all capable of saying "Well, it could be worse" Yes, bitch, yes the fuck it could be, but this shit is still fucked!

February, my hero got sick, it is May and he still isn't better. He is home, but in constant pain. Grandma has been awful, dealing with someone who suffers from FTD and someone with severe pancreatitis has been a 32/9 job. Fuck 24/7, there are not enough hours in a day anymore, there are not enough hands on deck, there is not enough income to keep this ship moving. Yet, we are still here. It feels like a punishment, it feels like a curse. I keep asking for help, I keep falling over, I keep slipping in the mud. I keep losing my patience, I keep almost losing myself. I am trying so fucking hard, I am so lost. My efforts feel wasted. Help me, please!
The waiting game:
Waiting for Papa to get better.
Waiting for Gabe's waiver...or denial.
Waiting and waiting and waiting.
Waiting for the opportunity to help things get better.
Waiting for the strength to stay standing.
Waiting for help.

Why the fuck is everything stacking?! Why is this so hard?! Why do I still shake when I feel like I can't?! 
I miss old times. I miss the old me. I miss the girl that was inspired by everything and anything. I feel like she died, she will never exist again. I feel like I will forever be this tired, miserable shadow of the person I used to be. In some ways, its ok. In others, it terrifies me. 
I'm having a hard day, I am having a hard fucking time and I need fucking help!
I don't want to die, I want to LIVE! That is why I am so angry right now, I need to live and breathe, please. 
The internet is fucked, all the social media is fucked, my life is fucked, this shit is fucked, society is fucked. It is all fucked and I really don't want it to be.