Today, I Crumpled

Today, I crumpled. It was as if someone took a pot of boiling water and poured it into a hole in the top of my head. My hands shook, my vision darkened, my neck swelled. I cried in the shower, it felt like the only place I could fall apart without judgment. I almost felt like I not only deserved those feelings, but I needed them. I needed the reminder that I'm not super skilled, I can't do anything and everything. But, with those feelings came an unspeakable darkness. My own voice in my head said "Good. This is good. You need to be aware that you are only good for cleaning up shit and piss. Your life's work is in those washcloths. Your every waking moment should be consumed with the one thing you are good at, whether you like it or not." This voice, my inner monolog, suddenly had gravity. I felt the weight of this thought, it made my head drop. I am only good for cleaning up shit and piss. It feels like a well-known fact, like everyone can see it…smell it. I crumpled at a mere thought. The floor looked so inviting. I so badly wanted to curl up into a fetal position and pray that someone come clean me up off the floor. I, suddenly, no longer wanted to be me.

That’s a sad thought, no longer wanting to be the only person you can be. Giving up on yourself, even for a split second, its completely foreign.

I panicked. I felt a tearing in my brain, like it was made of paper.

I grabbed at my inner voice, invisibly clapping my hands over the tear in my brain. I thought to my thought, "No! You know better! You are a caregiver, you are a wife, you are a daughter, you are a granddaughter, you are someone's best friend! You are willing to clean up shit and piss, something that most people CAN'T do. You've met nurses that don't do shit, or piss, or snot. Yet, here you are, day in and day out getting paid to do what most WILL NOT."

I crumpled again, feeling my other voice fighting against me. "Just don't. You’ve already said it, no need to repeat yourself."

I pushed away from the shower wall, letting the water wash my tears away. I've never been so torn within. It was short lived, but it felt like an eternity in that shower.

As I dried off, I giggle-cried, that ugly scrunched face thing we do when we get overwhelmed. "Don't look in the mirror" I thought.

If you are wondering what I did to make myself feel better, I could tell you that I grabbed my husband and went out on a thrift store excursion. But the truth is, the only thing  that truly made me feel better was standing up to myself. Shopping always makes me feel better, but imagine if I had bothered going out still hating myself. It would not have been fun. I had to fix my inner dialog before even attempting anything cheery. It is hard fighting with ones self, sometimes we have to.

Don't hate self. Don't hate at all. Hate is toxic and it will make us sick.