Packing SUCKS!

Packing this place has been more than a fucking nightmare! The amount of cleaning that we'll need to do before we leave has my stomach in knots!

The closer the date gets, the more nervous I become. The excitement dulls beneath the gut wrenching fear that Murphy's Law could easily go into effect before we even get to the new place.

We are not rich, actually, we are lower class people. We struggle pay check to pay check, borrow from each other and even need food stamps just to get by.
The reality of what we are doing comes in waves, it hits me a little harder with every passing hour.
I am worried and excited. More worried now.

Dealing with grandma while trying to organize our individual lives is like climbing a mountain with hundreds of pounds of dead weight without any security or equipment. It feels impossible and nonsensical.

My boyfriend is positive that he wants to go with me. I feel so much better now, I would not have been OK if things had gone differently.

In real life, I smile and laugh. I nod and agree with everything anyone says, but inside there is a war of good and evil. I literally have to choke the negativity down and hold it there.

Here's to hope and success.

Bad Timing!

Today is one of those beautiful. gloomy, fall/spring days that invigorates my soul and fills my being with a creative energy unlike anything else. I want to play, frolic, explore!
But, I'm supposed to be cleaning and packing! We leave in just a few weeks!

I want to make my pink wool dreads RED, which is a very difficult task when you have no money to frivolously spend!
I want to try yarn wrapping.
I want to make skirts.
I want to print shirts.
I want to make shrinky dinks!
I want to do my hair and makeup.

I want to do everything and anything...except clean and pack! LOL

But, I am going to try to bottle these feelings and energy, because the house we are moving to will have so much more room and quiet areas to make the videos that I've always wanted to!

Can I bottle this feeling? Probably not.
But, I can do so much more when we settle in, so it may come natural to me after a while.

AND THE LAND OUT THERE! Photoshoots galore! We have foothills, trees, desert...All of the scenery I need <3

If you are curious about yarn wrapping:

This adorable woman got me excited about trying it.

It's Final...I'm Leaving

Remember when I told you about the family wanting to move to Arizona? Well, its final..not only do we own the land and the houses, but we have decided to leave...by the end of this month!!

Leaving New Mexico does not break my heart in the slightest, but it does put a damper on things for my other half. Leaving his birth place, his childhood friend, his mother... to go with a family he's only known for a year and a half is something outside and beyond any comfort zone imaginable. It's a huge step in anyone's life and it's something that I've already done...except for the fact that I had my family with me the whole way!

Will he stay or will he go?

It really comes down to the act of leaving. I'd understand if he left me, I would not be happy about it, but I'd understand completely. 
If he goes with me, I worry about resentment and disappointment. I worry that every small thing that goes wrong, he'll make me feel like its my fault or I'm to blame.
I hope that he goes with me and we live happily ever after! But that's a stretch, even by my standards, haha.

Life will change forever for all of us. Things are going to be very different...

I think we will all be more comfortable in our own home, in our own element, in our control. 
No longer under anyone's thumb.
It's gonna be difficult for a while, but I think we can deal. 
We got this!

Dreads are Dead

Today, I have finished the very last of the dread accent kits and they will  be available on my storenvy very soon.

It is sad that I've closed up shop for good, but I'm glad I'm doing it. 
I no longer enjoy making kk dreads. I'm not sure if it's the drop in the economy that had me down for so long or if it just isn't meant for me.

I started making dreads over 7 years ago. It was one of the most exciting experiences in my life, even to this day. It used to give me butterflies! Obviously, I didn't get well known for it for very long, but the adventure was worth it!

Maybe some day I'll come back to it, maybe an alternative to kk dreads will come about, maybe it's a dead trend. Who knows?

Good Bye, my love. Good night, my dear.
I thank you for the times,
the long nights of back combing
twisting and steaming.
The custom orders, and the long installation appointments.
The hand cramps and steam burns,
I'll miss them all and await your return.
Oh, the headache you were, it was all worth it, my love, my dear.

Too Creepy To Be Dreamy!

I keep having these creepy dreams, whenever I tell anyone about them, their first thought is "That'd make a great movie".

We were among friends, unfamiliar in every way. Living with them in a house that was too small for all of us to live comfortably. We just crammed in anyway.

Our room had 2 glass paned french doors that led into our personal area, obviously I didn't like that!

I started unraveling thin throw blankets to put over the doors...I heard banging coming from the hallway. Blanket in hand, I carefully walked to the edge of my room, the banging getting louder. 

In the hallway, the front door was to my right, the door in front of me  belonged to a roommate. Both doors vibrated during the banging.

My eyes darted back and forth between the two, "How can they both be effected at the same time?" I thought to myself. The front door vibrated harder, I thought it'd break.

I wrapped the blanket around my hand to help grip the elongated handle of the front door just in time for someone to fight to get the door open. We both push and pulled, my stocking feet slid on the hard floors, I wondered if I was going to die in that moment because I wasn't strong enough.

Everything went black, I heard voices..."What were you doing? We were just trying to bring the groceries in!"

My eyes were wide with disbelief, I could've sworn they were screaming to open the door, they never said anything!

A few new comers pranced by in short shorts and crop tops, sucking on the closest object to their faces. "Great!" I thought.

I followed them to the kitchen where cookies and kittens surrounded the area. 

My roomies unloaded the bags across the counters and walked away. Ok, they bought it, least I could do was put it away.

My phone dinged, I looked down and my boyfriend sent me "I hope you like blue ;)". I was slightly appalled, I hate blue! Why would he say that?!

 I finished in the kitchen and made my way down the hallway to our bedroom. Both doors were closed, I looked in just in time to see one of the sluts wrap herself around my boyfriend. My blood boiled so hot, my body began to shake, my throat tightened. I looked up in time to watch her leave my room, giggling playfully. I took a deep breath and walked through the opposite doors.

I plopped on the bed "Hey, babe! Sorry, was putting groceries away" I smiled forcefully. I stared through him as if looks could kill, I picked up his phone and started scrolling through his messages. There she was, that same slutty cunt that just pranced out of my bed! "Who is this?!" my voice was much louder than I intended. He looked at me like a dog who knew he was in trouble.

I flipped the blankets and pillows and found latex condom wrappers everywhere...under my pillow, a blue used condom. 

I went off, screaming like a banshee "I'm allergic to latex, you idiot! If one lie comes out of your mouth about this disgusting incident, its over...you will hate me!" My stance in front of him looked like something off the discovery channel.

He began "It was just a game, I didn't mean for it to go that far!" 

I spit "How far did it go exactly?!"

His movements became jerky, "Yeah, ok, I fucked her! But, thats what she's for, it was meaningless!" I stood up, taller than usual, I stalked forward like a brute.

I rushed into her room, twisted her hair around my hand and pulled her from her room, down the hall and back into my room. I started hitting her and screaming in her face "WHAT BITCH? THOUGHT IT WAS ALL KOSHER, THOUGHT YOU COULD FUCK AROUND WITHOUT ANY CONSEQUENCES?!" 

He put his hands up in surrender "You don't have to hit her, you are mad at me!" 

My head snapped "NOW YOU'RE DEFENDING IT! This bitch is not a human being, she's a toy, an object made only for temporary happiness...SO, are you happy?!"

He shook his head.

"Ok, and do you understand that this thing will never give you anything other than fucking holes to stick your dick in?!"

He started to rage "I love you, not her!"

"IT, I-FUCKING-T! THISSS THING IS NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU BREAKFAST OR WASH YOUR CLOTHES, OR GIVE YOU A FAMILY! THAT IS ME, THATS MY PLACE AND MY JOB!!"

He put his hands back up "I fucked up, I'm sorry. This was stupid, it will never happen again..."

His words echoed through my head, bouncing off my rage and sadness. "...it will never happen again.."

I laughed hysterically, "No, IT won't happen again!"

I pulled her behind me as I stalked back out of the room.

Everything went black.

I was now alone.

Back in my room, I was all alone and couldn't recall what had happened or why.

The hallway doors began to shake and vibrate as the girl pounded against the bedroom door, mostly because she was bleeding out and my boyfriend pounded against the front door because I locked him out.

Twisted dreams, I have!

Personal Update

I've been in a wonderland for the past couple of days. How can I express the happiness in having COMPLETE alone time with myself and with my boyfriend? The human language does not contain the proper description for this happiness!

Of course I've been spending all my alone time cleaning and organizing...It is impossible to do when everyone is here! To me, this is border lining miracle status, OK?!

The good news on the other end of the family: The property is absolutely gorgeous! There are grape vines and pomegranate trees. The house is bigger than we expected and we live in a small town with amazingly happy people! That was great news to me! 
The bad news: The second house on the property needs to be evacuated and torn down! I'm upset about that...that second house was going to be someones Godsend and now its completely out of the question.
Along with the good news, my family is nice enough to give Gabe and I a whole end of the house! 2 bedrooms to ourselves, a necessity I didn't think I could imagine being a possibility! Now we have the opportunity to remodel the inside of our new place...I'm hyperventilating! LOL 

I've said it before, I'll say it again because I'm whiney:

Every time I want to make a video for my youtube channel, something hinders me completely. I had all these tutorials lined up, talk videos thought out and every time I'd even THINK about getting ready, someone just shits on it all! All of last week was like that...and the week before, and the week before that. I'm not in a position to give up, but I am extremely annoyed, because if it were my job I would have been fired SOO many times by now! So, my idea was to go ahead and make the video while all the chaos is going down, proof that I can't win! LOL 

Now that my relaxed self is basking in  this euphoria, I really don't have anything cool to talk about here, either. 

I made a mini crown...out of hot glue...its pretty cool. I haven't painted it yet. When I get my craft area cleaned up again, I WILL be making skirts and old T-shirt purses and such, but those tutorials have already been made. I'm just not as cool as I think, huh! 
If you have any suggestions for me, please let me know! 

Stay Positive Or Get Apocalypse

I had an awful day yesterday. A legit case of the mother fucking Mondays!

I felt like shit, so I drank.

That drink did not solve my problems, it only made me forget for about 30 minutes.

When my problems came rushing back along with a headache, I was at a fork in the road; Take the high road and laugh it out some more, or sulk in the beating until I give up again for the unteenth time.

I couldn't consciously choose, so I sat at the fork in the road even after I fell asleep.

During my sleep last night, I had one of the LONGEST dreams I could remember. It was about an apocolypse that involved zombies, or what we thought were zombies:

I rush around a seemingly abandon neighborhood with a small group of my people. My mom was the only person I knew through and through, the rest were complete strangers that chose to have my back. 

We found a house that had the windows boarded and traps set around the yard. I peered through the basement window and an old couple slept in a bed with guns and other weapons of the sort surrounding them. I whispered into the window "Can we please come in? no one is sick and we have food." The old lady calmly nodded, her white hair pooled her pillow as she gently woke her husband. The nice man had a snowy white beard to match his wife's mane. He grumbled as he rose out of bed and made his way to the door.

My group piled into the house, "Is the stove gas?" one of my men whispered. The old man nodded, "Everything has been a little sluggish since this whole mess started, and I told Ally, I told her that them American scientists would screw up!" the old man started to raise his voice. We all shushed him as we quickly went to work on dinner. 

The sun was gone and the darkness was louder than ever. I looked out the sliding glass doors, "How are these doors still in tact?" I asked ally. She shrugged with a sweetness and sat in her chair.

Suddenly, a sickly teenage girl smacked against the window, her face smushed against the glass. She was slow in her movements, her clothes were covered in brown and dirt, her skin seemed to be made of ash and her eyes shone like glowing clouds. 

She looked right at me and groaned "Piiiizzzaa". My heart dropped, 'she said something' I thought. One of my men, the only one that could move, rushed to the door. He grabbed a piece of pizza and opened the sliding glass door, he grabbed her face and looked her in the eye "You will not hurt anyone in here if I give you this food, do you understand?!" The girl nodded and crumpled to the floor with her pizza. My group barricaded her in, we all watched in shock as she ate...and ate some more. The more food she consumed, the better she looked, the more she spoke, yet, her eyes still cloudy and glowing. I had so many questions and so many worries.

Time jump:

We had stayed with Ally and her husband for months. We had more vehicles and resources, but food and water was becoming more scarce.

I decided to drive into the closest town and brave the possible war. I was driving a large, white truck that had 1/4 tank of gas. I drove past mounds and mounds of garbage, clothing and furniture. It looked like the neighborhoods had been raided...by who? I knew the government thought they had everything under control, but I wasn't sure of the method they used. 

 As I neared the heart of the town, cars passed me, traffic going all ways...I was scared and confused. I pulled into a convenience store, as I jumped out of the truck, a woman on her cell phone brushed against me "Oh, sorry hon! What? Yes, I'll be there, Ya know I told her..." This woman has a cell phone? That has service?!

I stepped through the door of the store, crouched down, expecting to be attacked from any angle. The store was cool, air conditioning. Working refrigerators and freezers lined the walls, food stacked on the shelves. I shoved as much as I could into my bag, grabbing anything that looked fresh. I stopped at the freezer and scanned the boxes "Chicken nuggets. Drum Sticks. Waffles?!" Suddenly, my stomach growled and my mind opened "I want a donut! Dunkin Donuts!" I rushed out of the store, my eyes darting around for a donut place, any donut...

There it was, just across the way, a real dunkin donuts! I grabbed the blue bike that sat in front of the store and coasted towards the shop.

I stopped dead in my tracks and thought "Have I gone completely insane? Or are these people in complete denial?!"

I woke up, wondering "WHAT THE HELL?!"
I had so many questions for my subconscious!
By the way, I fell asleep watching Once Upon A Time, soooo....
Not a whole lot of suggestive anything to add to my brain. 

Is there a dream interpreter in the house?!