Suffer

If you pay close enough attention, you might see this all around you.

Insecure, self-conscious, guarded individuals, struggling to even walk around in public.

These people have secrets, pain and doubt dragging them down. These people are not to be fucked with! 

I have days where I can keep my chin up just enough to keep my tell-tale signs hidden. Other days, it takes every ounce of strength I can muster, just to leave the bedroom. I have issues. I am a ticking time bomb, and I scare myself. 

I'm afraid of putting myself in a situation where anyone would see what I'm capable of. I fight everyday to keep myself from affecting anyone else.

All of this energy is wasted on keeping myself in this box. I feel like I could be doing something great, but I'm stuck. I feel cornered.

Like any animal, when I'm cornered, I get crazy. My mind encircles this idea of what I could do, what I want to do. 

I'm starting to understand people who require an escape. When you open your eyes and understand your surroundings, it all suddenly becomes bleak and worthless. All your efforts, all of your precious time is being thrown away. This life is no longer magical or exciting. Now, its just about fear and self-loathing. We are put here to suffer, to dream of something better, but never achieve it. There ARE better places to be, better lives to live, but its not for me. I saw this coming, many years ago. I knew at that point in my life that, this is how its going to be from now on.

I was too young to change it, then. 

I'm too depressed to change it, now.

What the fuck is anyone supposed to do, other than bend over and take it, whether you like it or not. I hate this.

I knew then, what I know now and I still couldn't change it.

cool.

When someone tells me "Change it! You have the power to"

I disagree. I've put myself in a place where change is not a possibility and the only thing I can do is what i've been doing for so long and it has gotten me nowhere. It is not an option, a choice, it is a physical and mental PLACE. A blip on the map, it exists and it is here.

Well, what the hell does that mean?!

It means:

I have accepted myself many times, I've rejected myself many times. It is not me, it is the land that I sit, but not occupy. It is mine, but it is not. It is everything, it is nothing. It is a Godless prison. It is words, a fluctuation of noises that actually means something. It is monopoly. It is losing at a game that can never have a winner. It is reality, it is fantasy. It is here and now. 

I have taken many dives. I know how to swim...well, I can kind of float. With success comes great responsibility. That last part is always forgotten.

I can not succeed as I am, or as I will be as long as "here" exists. 

The illusion of independence is the worst kind of deception this place has to offer. It disgusts me and I wish it gone.

If I can't live in my world, I will not live in someone else's.

If I cannot be, then I won't.

My point is, depression is a very scary thing. It is a dark place that awaits the tender hearted.  When we feel like this, we are setting ourselves up for the worst. It is a defense, if you expect it then you will either be surprised, or you will not. Physical things may keep the darkness at bay, but it will not obliterate it. It is a constant battle and NO ONE should be alone while they fight.