It's bothering me, how comfortable then uncomfortable I get. It happens so quickly and often. I'll forget all the bad shit, then BAM, it all comes flooding back with a vengeance. I'll feel great, then hate myself for it.
I reach out then draw back so hard that I end up back in a hole.
I need new life.
I understand that happiness is a 'to-each-their-own' thing and is created by the person who harbors it. It is a simple fucking concept. "THIS SHIT MAKES ME HAPPY SO I DO IT AND I'M HAPPY" It is not that hard! But, I let other people's nonsense get to me, I'm so sensitive that I have no other option than to give a fuck or two. My brain, my soul get sucked into someone's atmosphere.
My papa always told me, since I was a little girl, "Be the thermostat, not the thermometer".
I thought I understood that as a kid, but he explained "You set the energy, you be the energy that fills every room you walk into. If you keep taking in the popular energy, you become that energy, thus never having your own to begin."
To me, that was always a challenge. I mastered this practice for years, then lost it. I lost the know-how when I lost faith in humanity, pretty much. I no longer care enough to disperse my energy, I feel like no one deserves it. I know that sounds egotistical, but think about it. If you walked into, let's say...a bar. Some have been there for hours, others just showed up. Karaoke is available and you want to sing. No one else is singing, in fact, everyone is kind of grouped together like highschoolers. You walk up to the karaoke machine and it does not have a song you know. How long are you going to stand there contemplating whether or not to even try?
That is EVERY social experience I've had since I moved away from my home town. No one speaks my language, no one really understands me, and now I'm glad they don't. Everyone I've met here has one thing in mind "Get dirt on this bitch". That is the primary goal of "socializing" here. The lesser percentage of people are dumb and dull with no will, rhyme or reason! There was a 20 year old girl working at walmart as my cashier, I sparked conversation with her, she looked like a nice person. This is how it went:
Me: Hey, how's your day going?
Mia: Oh...not bad.
Me: That's good...So, how do you like working here at the glorious walmart?
Mia: It's alright, I guess.
Me: Have they started the $10 an hour here yet?
Mia: Well, they hire in at $8 something then bump you up.
Me: Thats not bad, actually! When I worked here, it was over night, I hated it, but it would've been worth it for the shift differential at $10 an hour!
Mia: Yeah, I have a daughter and I can't afford daycare for her while working here...
Me: Oh, that sucks
Mia: Yeah, I'm thinking about going to a call center, they pay way higher...and offer daycare and stuff.
Me: Cool, Let me know how that goes *laugh*
Mia: Yeah, heh. Have a good day.
This poor girl was so lifeless, she looked like she wanted to try but just couldn't.
I'm not dogging on this young lady, I'm making a point. It doesn't matter where you go, everyone here is either for the drama or for "not much at all, so yeeeah." LOL
If I could have at least one friend that didn't eat drama to stay alive, or that had more than one fucking facial expression, that'd be great! I'M DYING HERE!! ONE INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION!!!! ONE NORMAL (non awkward) NUMBER EXCHANGE!! One fucking coffee without a jealous spouse....for real!
Love you guys<3
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