ISO New Life

No matter how much I think I've changed over the last few months, I really haven't.
It's bothering me, how comfortable then uncomfortable I get. It happens so quickly and often. I'll forget all the bad shit, then BAM, it all comes flooding back with a vengeance. I'll feel great, then hate myself for it.
I reach out then draw back so hard that I end up back in a hole.
I need new life.
I understand that happiness is a 'to-each-their-own' thing and is created by the person who harbors it. It is a simple fucking concept. "THIS SHIT MAKES ME HAPPY SO I DO IT AND I'M HAPPY" It is not that hard! But, I let other people's nonsense get to me, I'm so sensitive that I have no other option than to give a fuck or two. My brain, my soul get sucked into someone's atmosphere.

My papa always told me, since I was a little girl, "Be the thermostat, not the thermometer".
I thought I understood that as a kid, but he explained "You set the energy, you be the energy that fills every room you walk into. If you keep taking in the popular energy, you become that energy, thus never having your own to begin."
To me, that was always a challenge. I mastered this practice for years, then lost it. I lost the know-how when I lost faith in humanity, pretty much. I no longer care enough to disperse my energy, I feel like no one deserves it. I know that sounds egotistical, but think about it. If you walked into, let's say...a bar. Some have been there for hours, others just showed up. Karaoke is available and you want to sing. No one else is singing, in fact, everyone is kind of grouped together like highschoolers. You walk up to the karaoke machine and it does not have a song you know. How long are you going to stand there contemplating whether or not to even try?
That is EVERY social experience I've had since I moved away from my home town. No one speaks my language, no one really understands me, and now I'm glad they don't. Everyone I've met here has one thing in mind "Get dirt on this bitch". That is the primary goal of "socializing" here. The lesser percentage of people are dumb and dull with no will, rhyme or reason! There was a 20 year old girl working at walmart as my cashier, I sparked conversation with her, she looked like a nice person. This is how it went:

Me: Hey, how's your day going?
Mia: Oh...not bad.
Me: That's good...So, how do you like working here at the glorious walmart?
Mia: It's alright, I guess.
Me: Have they started the $10 an hour here yet?
Mia: Well, they hire in at $8 something then bump you up.
Me: Thats not bad, actually! When I worked here, it was over night, I hated it, but it would've been worth it for the shift differential at $10 an hour!
Mia: Yeah, I have a daughter and I can't afford daycare for her while working here...
Me: Oh, that sucks
Mia: Yeah, I'm thinking about going to a call center, they pay way higher...and offer daycare and stuff.
Me: Cool, Let me know how that goes *laugh*
Mia: Yeah, heh. Have a good day.

This poor girl was so lifeless, she looked like she wanted to try but just couldn't.

I'm not dogging on this young lady, I'm making a point. It doesn't matter where you go, everyone here is either for the drama or for "not much at all, so yeeeah." LOL

If I could have at least one friend that didn't eat drama to stay alive, or that had more than one fucking facial expression, that'd be great! I'M DYING HERE!! ONE INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION!!!! ONE NORMAL (non awkward) NUMBER EXCHANGE!! One fucking coffee without a jealous spouse....for real!

Love you guys<3

Ssh! Rant In Session

You know when you are having a good/decent day, the colors are prominent and your goals are forefront in your mind? Ok, keep that image. Now, you just finished running errands (for yourself and others) and someone just shits in your fucking cheerios with a simple backhanded/sarcastic compliment followed up with multiple complaints. How do you feel? No matter how many fucks I throw away each and every day, shit still bothers me. Trying hard and told its not enough, almost randomly, is probably the most disrespectful thing you can do to someone. I don't care who you think you are, EVERYONE is equal and nothing is below you. Don't disrespect someone because you are having a bad day, babe. Its not worth it for either party. If you don't like something, change it yourself. You don't have to involve anyone in your misery or change. Jussss saaayyyin'.

Ok, any-fucking-who, I feel weird and I wish I had friends.

I'm especially annoyed at the fact that my rant has everything to do with halting my plans for the rest of the day and THAT pisses me off. I'm trying to get a into a routine, I need to get to the gym, it is my fucking therapy. whew. Ok, I'm done, sorry guys <3

It is October, cheer the fuck up, pookie!

Online v.s. Local

Buying Clothes online is already difficult, but buying Goth Clothes/shoes/makeup, etc. is a chore and a bit of a gamble. 

Between the origin of the company, the sizing charts, the quality and the pricing, its extremely difficult for the average goth to add anything to their collection from online stores! On many occasions, I've run into some kind of problem with this, and I ask; "Does it have to be this difficult?". I've ordered from many places, but I have yet to find an online store that I am comfortable with!

The reason I bring this particular subject up has  to do with local business v.s. online business and local business is losing, failing horribly! There was a legit gothic store just down the road from me, I had just moved into this part of town and I was so happy to see that purple sign that summoned me every time I passed by. At the time I was employed (which I currently am not), but I was so broke that I never had enough money to buy anything from this store. SO, tax season came around and I told My boyfriend, "I'm spending half of this money on clothes and things for myself! First thing I'm doing is going to Raven Blackwood's!". You would never guess, to my horror, while pulling into the parking lot, they were empty with an "OUT OF BUSINESS" sign!! My heart dropped. I was so upset! and now, the closest store (not including the crappy mall stores) is almost 30 miles away from where my tush sits!

Why do our local businesses get stomped on? And how on earth can ONLINE businesses stay a float, so much so that they expand?! I just don't understand!

The other reason I am upset; I have not successfully sold anything...2 things I've ever sold and only one of those things were on my etsy! whoa! I can't say that I'm not cut out to be a selling artists, because I can do anything I set my mind to. But, why does it work out for some and not for others? Is there a secret that some of us are not aware of?

Let me know in the comments your experience(s) with Online v.s. Local

~Love Zaney~