The Holidays Had Me Like...

So, new news and self loathing are in order.

I've gained weight due to stress and poor diet, then the holidays came and I feel fat LOL

I was contacted by my desired school, I need a moment to find the words for this lovely man. He was so tickled by the fact that he could tell that I'm from Michigan, he is excited about our meeting Tuesday. Oh, and, as the owner of the school, he thought that my hobby of making dreads was "So cool!" This man was such a sweetheart, I'm so very excited about being associated with him and his school!

It feels good, just getting my life on track, pulling myself back together. It is also very confusing, frustrating and stressful.

I've neglected too many aspects of myself, recently. I'd like to get back to it.

I also believe that I've lost my followers, so those of you that are still here, THANK YOU for being my friends and reading my crap <3

How did your holidays go? 

Hi, I suck

I am really missing my camera, today :(

I'm terrible at sharing things. So, long story short, I braided in the natural style dreads into my own hair the other day. I only wore them for a few days, took pictures today, then I took them out as soon as I got home, haha! 

I wanted to vlog, take nice photos, shoot tutorials but I don't have a way to. My computer has been acting very strange, no idea why. I'm very thankful for the awesome iPad 2 that the g-man just bought me! It's awesome! 

I have my beautiful sewing machine, thanks to my mom! Now I just have to set it up. Damn, I wish I had my canon, I wanna cry lol

I'm appreciative of the wonderful things I have, the people in my life. 

It's getting really chilly here...ahem, denial speaking, ITS FUCKING COLD! Lol I'm freezing my ass off over here!!! Ahh, yep.

Love you guys, I'll post pictures later, my fingers are freezing over as I type this.😫

'Tis The Season For Change

It seems that many people are experiencing HUGE changes this season.
For me, something clicked in my brain, something I never thought would actually happen. I am now back in contact with my father! That is a big deal for me, I've gone 7 years without any communication. The amount of heartbreak I've gone through, during that time, is unmeasurable. 

Laugh, if you will, about the little goth girl with daddy issues. I will admit it! During my teen years, I was a bad girl, I did bad things because of my daddy issues.

The timing couldn't have been better. I needed to be right with myself before I could be right with my dad. Luckily, the same went for him. I feel like a huge hole has been filled.

I always wondered if our relationship would be better when I became an adult. I'm sure it's easier to talk to an adult than a needy child. Also, I'm grateful that everything happened the way it did. I would not be who I am today if things had gone any differently, in my past.

The G-man is, also, experiencing the change and the shift in his life. My mom, too. Everyone is feeling it!

Things are better, I can't deny that!

How about you? Any changes going on?

Panic Attack at the Library

Yes, I'm finally making videos again!

EEK!

Dreads and Hardcandy

New Video

What's On My To-Do List (WARNING! Negative AF)

I'm constantly encouraged and discouraged to do or not to do anything and everything!
I've expressed my confusion, I've embraced myself since. I do not have a motivator, I do not have a reason to push, I deny punishment for being me.
The first order of business is: Independence.
The shitty thing about living in this country is the illusion of independence. If you have independence, you have nothing else. If you are dependent, you have nothing else.
It is a vicious cycle that we all end up stuck in.
The second thing on the list is: Find happiness.
Number 2 is swallowed by number 1, thus canceling each other out.
How to make a real to do list, now that is the trick.
I don't think about reward, I only focus on consequence. That may seem EXTREMELY negative, but I have to keep my feet on the ground. In all reality, I will not waste my time nor my money on something that someone can take away from me; school. Because, here in America, they aim to punish their people for getting an education. If I am punished for bettering myself by a force larger than me, I will not put myself in a position to be punished by anything else. Whilst I am at the mercy of others, I am not myself. If I am not myself, then I cannot do for anyone what I would do if I were me.
The point of my existence is a sad one. I'm currently considered a piss-ant to society because I am not currently enslaved by big business. The single time that I worked for a large company, I was sexually harassed, yelled at for going to the bathroom, and told that they "expect me to do a job that normally requires a team of 9 people" by myself. The best job I ever had was the one where I worked for myself. I stayed up all night, slept for just a few hours every couple of days, I worked my ass off. I was a dread maker. I made hair pieces for people. I went out of my way for anyone, I only made a few dollars a day to keep the art affordable to my customers. It did not last long, but I loved it. Now, the economy is shit and everyone keeps getting sucked into the ugly truth, the pure neglect and disrespect we receive as we are trapped under the thumb of the poor choices made for us. I'd rather go to a different country, a friendly, loving, supportive country.

Ideal to-do list

1. Get the fuck out of this country
2. Go to school and graduate (debt free)
3. Finally be able to contribute to society (properly)
4. Happiness is achieved
5. Live happily ever after (damn it)

Reality

1. Find minimum wage job (zero benefits)
2. Fight to get on medicaid
3. Get denied medicaid
4. Pay over half my paycheck to medical coverage AFTER 40% taxes are taken (by force)
5. Live under someone struggling just as bad as you
6. Enroll in school
7. Either lose job because of school, or lose school because of job
8. Thousands of dollars in debt (garnished wages)
9. In my 30's, can't afford to help myself, let alone a child
10. Die early

Yay, 'MERICA

FUCK!

Suffer

If you pay close enough attention, you might see this all around you.

Insecure, self-conscious, guarded individuals, struggling to even walk around in public.

These people have secrets, pain and doubt dragging them down. These people are not to be fucked with! 

I have days where I can keep my chin up just enough to keep my tell-tale signs hidden. Other days, it takes every ounce of strength I can muster, just to leave the bedroom. I have issues. I am a ticking time bomb, and I scare myself. 

I'm afraid of putting myself in a situation where anyone would see what I'm capable of. I fight everyday to keep myself from affecting anyone else.

All of this energy is wasted on keeping myself in this box. I feel like I could be doing something great, but I'm stuck. I feel cornered.

Like any animal, when I'm cornered, I get crazy. My mind encircles this idea of what I could do, what I want to do. 

I'm starting to understand people who require an escape. When you open your eyes and understand your surroundings, it all suddenly becomes bleak and worthless. All your efforts, all of your precious time is being thrown away. This life is no longer magical or exciting. Now, its just about fear and self-loathing. We are put here to suffer, to dream of something better, but never achieve it. There ARE better places to be, better lives to live, but its not for me. I saw this coming, many years ago. I knew at that point in my life that, this is how its going to be from now on.

I was too young to change it, then. 

I'm too depressed to change it, now.

What the fuck is anyone supposed to do, other than bend over and take it, whether you like it or not. I hate this.

I knew then, what I know now and I still couldn't change it.

cool.

When someone tells me "Change it! You have the power to"

I disagree. I've put myself in a place where change is not a possibility and the only thing I can do is what i've been doing for so long and it has gotten me nowhere. It is not an option, a choice, it is a physical and mental PLACE. A blip on the map, it exists and it is here.

Well, what the hell does that mean?!

It means:

I have accepted myself many times, I've rejected myself many times. It is not me, it is the land that I sit, but not occupy. It is mine, but it is not. It is everything, it is nothing. It is a Godless prison. It is words, a fluctuation of noises that actually means something. It is monopoly. It is losing at a game that can never have a winner. It is reality, it is fantasy. It is here and now. 

I have taken many dives. I know how to swim...well, I can kind of float. With success comes great responsibility. That last part is always forgotten.

I can not succeed as I am, or as I will be as long as "here" exists. 

The illusion of independence is the worst kind of deception this place has to offer. It disgusts me and I wish it gone.

If I can't live in my world, I will not live in someone else's.

If I cannot be, then I won't.

My point is, depression is a very scary thing. It is a dark place that awaits the tender hearted.  When we feel like this, we are setting ourselves up for the worst. It is a defense, if you expect it then you will either be surprised, or you will not. Physical things may keep the darkness at bay, but it will not obliterate it. It is a constant battle and NO ONE should be alone while they fight.

ISO New Life

No matter how much I think I've changed over the last few months, I really haven't.
It's bothering me, how comfortable then uncomfortable I get. It happens so quickly and often. I'll forget all the bad shit, then BAM, it all comes flooding back with a vengeance. I'll feel great, then hate myself for it.
I reach out then draw back so hard that I end up back in a hole.
I need new life.
I understand that happiness is a 'to-each-their-own' thing and is created by the person who harbors it. It is a simple fucking concept. "THIS SHIT MAKES ME HAPPY SO I DO IT AND I'M HAPPY" It is not that hard! But, I let other people's nonsense get to me, I'm so sensitive that I have no other option than to give a fuck or two. My brain, my soul get sucked into someone's atmosphere.

My papa always told me, since I was a little girl, "Be the thermostat, not the thermometer".
I thought I understood that as a kid, but he explained "You set the energy, you be the energy that fills every room you walk into. If you keep taking in the popular energy, you become that energy, thus never having your own to begin."
To me, that was always a challenge. I mastered this practice for years, then lost it. I lost the know-how when I lost faith in humanity, pretty much. I no longer care enough to disperse my energy, I feel like no one deserves it. I know that sounds egotistical, but think about it. If you walked into, let's say...a bar. Some have been there for hours, others just showed up. Karaoke is available and you want to sing. No one else is singing, in fact, everyone is kind of grouped together like highschoolers. You walk up to the karaoke machine and it does not have a song you know. How long are you going to stand there contemplating whether or not to even try?
That is EVERY social experience I've had since I moved away from my home town. No one speaks my language, no one really understands me, and now I'm glad they don't. Everyone I've met here has one thing in mind "Get dirt on this bitch". That is the primary goal of "socializing" here. The lesser percentage of people are dumb and dull with no will, rhyme or reason! There was a 20 year old girl working at walmart as my cashier, I sparked conversation with her, she looked like a nice person. This is how it went:

Me: Hey, how's your day going?
Mia: Oh...not bad.
Me: That's good...So, how do you like working here at the glorious walmart?
Mia: It's alright, I guess.
Me: Have they started the $10 an hour here yet?
Mia: Well, they hire in at $8 something then bump you up.
Me: Thats not bad, actually! When I worked here, it was over night, I hated it, but it would've been worth it for the shift differential at $10 an hour!
Mia: Yeah, I have a daughter and I can't afford daycare for her while working here...
Me: Oh, that sucks
Mia: Yeah, I'm thinking about going to a call center, they pay way higher...and offer daycare and stuff.
Me: Cool, Let me know how that goes *laugh*
Mia: Yeah, heh. Have a good day.

This poor girl was so lifeless, she looked like she wanted to try but just couldn't.

I'm not dogging on this young lady, I'm making a point. It doesn't matter where you go, everyone here is either for the drama or for "not much at all, so yeeeah." LOL

If I could have at least one friend that didn't eat drama to stay alive, or that had more than one fucking facial expression, that'd be great! I'M DYING HERE!! ONE INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION!!!! ONE NORMAL (non awkward) NUMBER EXCHANGE!! One fucking coffee without a jealous spouse....for real!

Love you guys<3

Endorphin Junkie!

I am becoming addicted to endorphins.

There are now rehab centers that encourage you to get high!

They are called GYMS!
I don't SEE any progress after a whole week and a half of going to the gym. But, I feel it! In fact, I goofed and weighed myself at the blood pressure/bmi machine at walmart, LOL! That was a mistake!
If you watched my fitness journey video, I talked about how I am not going to pay ANY attention to the scale. Even though the bmi thing was insulting, I did not pay any attention to it. It did not haunt me and the numbers don't matter right now.

I haven't filmed anything because I'm trying really hard to pull myself out of a rut and the last thing I want to do is spread any of my negativity!

Now, we go clean up the yard because, according to the police department, we are violating the vegetation law or some shit. I don't know, but any physical activity is welcome. I will probably be a wet, mushy ball of histamines later. Thank the scientists for zyrtec!

Ssh! Rant In Session

You know when you are having a good/decent day, the colors are prominent and your goals are forefront in your mind? Ok, keep that image. Now, you just finished running errands (for yourself and others) and someone just shits in your fucking cheerios with a simple backhanded/sarcastic compliment followed up with multiple complaints. How do you feel? No matter how many fucks I throw away each and every day, shit still bothers me. Trying hard and told its not enough, almost randomly, is probably the most disrespectful thing you can do to someone. I don't care who you think you are, EVERYONE is equal and nothing is below you. Don't disrespect someone because you are having a bad day, babe. Its not worth it for either party. If you don't like something, change it yourself. You don't have to involve anyone in your misery or change. Jussss saaayyyin'.

Ok, any-fucking-who, I feel weird and I wish I had friends.

I'm especially annoyed at the fact that my rant has everything to do with halting my plans for the rest of the day and THAT pisses me off. I'm trying to get a into a routine, I need to get to the gym, it is my fucking therapy. whew. Ok, I'm done, sorry guys <3

It is October, cheer the fuck up, pookie!

Got Problems?

Now, don't get me wrong, I am so very appreciative of everything and everyone. But, yesterday was a really hard day for me. After that busy week, I was so exhausted, my brain was fried.

All the things that caused me to feel bad, ran through my mind like a pack of wild animals. I was homesick, I am still in shock over getting my driver's license, seeing Get Scared with my own eyes. It was very stressful on my psyche. I want to love every moment of these things, but it is so hard to believe they even happened! I am a nervous nelly, I am a worry wart, I self-sabatage on a daily basis, I am unhealthy for me, lol.
Every time I get butterflies, this little voice tells me "What if you wake up and you are still a useless, nervous wreck? What if you have only been dreaming that you've changed? What if none of this is real?"
It's not that its a bad thing, its just discouraging.
Everything has been so surreal, life changing. All I that needed to be done on my part was me JUST DOING IT. How was that so difficult before?
I'm proud of myself, I deserve everything that i've done for myself, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to do so. Just feel that! Feel the happiness and enjoy. Life is too short to doubt your own accomplishments, no matter how big or small!

Say this with me:

"I'm proud of who I am, who I was, and who I will become. I love myself. I am blessed with the life that I have been given. I will hold my head high, I will carry on even if I want to give up! This is my life, and no matter how rough my life gets, it will always be MINE."

Ah, ok.

So far, today has been OK. I am glad, too!

Whoa, Where'd I Go?

I have been gone for a few...I had BIIIG stuff goin' on. Big stuff!

I tried vlogging yesterday, too short of clips but I will put them together anyway because I am committed, damn it!

So, a quick summary of the last couple of days:

• Took my road test and it went something like this...

I PASSED THE FREAKING ROAD TEST!!! Under the worst conditions!!! Lol 

So, I was really nervous, the lady was really nice and laid back. Then, as we left the building to head to our car (testing in our car) and this crazy lady pulls up throwing a fit about a receipt. We all went back inside, then the crazy lady found it in her own pile of papers and the instructor just rolled her eyes. We get out to the car and she asks to check the blinkers...right blinker is out. After everything our poor car has been through, a blinker FINALLY goes out THE day of my road test. She almost rescheduled, but changed her mind and got in the car. All of the sudden, "road work ahead" and "raining like crazy". So, she was nice enough to cut the route in half. I asked her "do you judge road tests as harshly as your students?" She said "yes, buuut we do give everyone a chance to correct their errors." We get back and she gives me the PASS. We walk out to the car and the sun is shining like it never torrential rained. LOL even though everything that could go wrong, pretty much did, I still passed  OMG I am still in shock!!

• Went to the mvd, the very next day. I now have my license! Yay me...about damn time!
• Then we headed straight to The Launchpad for the Get Scared concert...HOLY DAMN IT WAS SO AMAZING!!! THEY ROCKED MY SOCKS OFF!
• My boyfriend starts work saturday

I'm so tired from all the GO GO GO, I don't know what to do with myself! 

Sorry, you guys know that when I am excited, all grammar and structure go out the window. This post is fucking crazy and all over the place...Love yooou

A Little Late On The Draw

It's been a long time coming, I've made a "Fitness Journey" video!

I'm really nervous about working on the series, I FEEL like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm kind of embarrassed, I am not a certified anything. I want to go to school for fitness and nutrition, but I am not going to claim that what I'm doing is for everyone. I'm not giving advice until I'm certified!

I'm easily excitable, so excuse my awkwardness...

If you would like to view this video via link HERE IT IS

I hope that you guys are interested in this stuff. It is LITERALLY my life right now, my entire life. It is all that I have to offer <3

I Thought Wrong!

I really wanted to work on those tutorials, I have all the materials, and I'm just now realizing that I have no way to record it. I can't use my computer, its stationary...desk top. I can't use my phone, all I have is a selfie stick, I can't hold the stick and work the tutorial at the same time! LOL 

What the fuck is going on right now? Seriously! I am getting really sick of getting shot down left and right. I do well with my intentions, at least.

Can you guys just schedule a video chat and we all just drink coffee and talk about stuff? That'd be great, I don't have a whole lot of friends here and all I want is some social interaction to remind me why I need to stop complaining on my blog and actually work on productive shit.

I love you guys.

$2 Desk

During our grand excursions yesterday, we stopped by goodwill for shits and giggles. In the furniture area there were a few beat up desks, each one had a tag that said 1.99. I thought that was a mistake, so I asked a cashier and he verified that they were all indeed, 1.99! There was a sad, wobbly one, a simple small one and an exquisite dark wood desk missing its key board pull-out. I melted over it, but it was not going to fit in the car, so we settled for the small and simple desk. Of course, we had overestimated the size of the car and a wonderful man came to our rescue with his allen wrenches and helped us disassemble and load up our little desk.

Now, the man insisted we go to the dollar tree right next to goodwill and purchase a set of wrenches for ourselves.
We were going there anyway, so why not! I was completely mesmerized by the halloween section, I filled up a bucket and headed for the line. The same gentleman was in line ahead of us and said "Did you get your wrenches?" My jaw dropped, I said "Holy crap, I totally forgot! Thank you!!" He pointed down the aisle where the tools were. We grabbed the cheap tool and headed back toward the line as he walked out. What an angel :)

Haha, anyway.

I got the desk home and my computer did not fit under the shelf. Because of our nice friend, I had a strike of genius! I removed the top shelf completely which left the right side shelves without a top. So, I removed the side plank and hot glued it to the top of the little shelves, leaving the monitor area open. Excuse the mess:

Of course the top is crooked and uneven, but it works and I'm happy! A $2 desk!!!

Anyone Ready For Another Tutorial?

I've been feeling very crafty, lately. I miss my canon so freaking much, it hurts and all I have is my iPhone, but that will not stop me from making videos! Upon feeling crafty, I have a handful of tutorials in mind that I'd love to share with you guys!

PLUS! Right now is THE PERFECT time to get your halloween crafts at the dollar stores!!
My recommendation is Dollar Tree! Get 'em while you can!

The first tutorial will be another stencil or a series of stencils and how to use and care for them.

Just to run through the cost of necessities:
-1 tank top $1.68
-White acrylic paint $.50
-1 Exacto Knife $2.96
-1 Piece of construction paper $.33
-Sponge of some kind >$1
= $6.47

If you buy anything in bulk, of course it'll cost more, but individually, it is very inexpensive!

I have a youtube channel, subscribe to it if you haven't already. I will be posting more content...I know I keep saying that, but I'm very serious!
https://www.youtube.com/user/CortneyCalamity

Prepare yourself for awkward ME!

Pain In My Ass!!

Please, someone help me out here! I'm having the hardest time trying to figure life out right now, my brain is killing me.

I sign up for 3 different jobs and the only one I hear back from works through mTurk and mTurk wants my proof of residency. Yes, bitch, um...See, MY HOME BURNED DOWN! Yeah, and the info that I gave them when I first signed up is from AZ. I am currently in NM.
THE AMOUNT OF FROWNING I'VE BEEN DOING IS CAUSING WRINKLES!

Ah, ok. Sorry about that.

The irony of all this, you ready?
Back is Tucson, I was looking into working at the Dollar General that was just a few miles from our BFE living quarters. I threw myself on the ground because I didn't want to work minimum wage.
Guess where I'm about to put my application in...DOLLAR TREE! HAAAHAAHAA 
Life is a pain in my ass right now, I truly do not appreciate the amount of bullshit being flung at my face every time I go to do something. I'm like "Yeah! Hey! Doing greeaa...*SPLAT*" 
I got the bullshit in mah mouth.

Adulting 101

Of course, as soon as we arrived back in Abq, we went right to work.

After the house burned down, it proved difficult to do anything with nothing. Being back in familiar territory, the closest thing I have to a home, with the help of Gabe's mother I finally started getting my life back together.

Quick story:
In order to work online, transcribing, I needed my bank card (which burned with the house) but I needed ID to do so. We drove round and round that day trying to reclaim my identity.
We stopped by the mvd express and they were charging $50 for a new ID, we said "Whoa, screw that!" and went to the normal mvd where the LOLs commenced...
15 mins of waiting and my number was called. The lady at the window seemed quite crotchety and rude...
Me: I need a new ID, my other one is...misplaced. *smile*
Lady: Well, how are you gonna prove who you are?! If you don't have any proof, how am I supposed to know that you are who you are?!
Me:...I know my social by heart?
Lady: *throws pen and sticky note* Write it down. *glares down at me*
Me: *writes down numbers* Is it ok that I have a different address as my original ID?
Lady: *Widens eyes* THAT'S FINE, WHAT IS IT?!
Me: *Looks at Gabe*
Gabe: (fake address, cuz y'all are creepers) 223 Taurus Drive.
Lady: SPELL IT!
Gabe: T-A-U-R-U-S! It's not that hard to fucking spell!
Lady:...ok. Wow, you look very different from your original photo...come over here and we'll take your new picture for your temp.
Me: Uh, what? Right now?!
Lady: Yeah.
*walk over to camera*
Lady: Look right here and take your glasses off.
Me: *Looks at camera*
*FLASH*
Lady: Whoa, you don't even look like that same person!

When she hands me my temp, I almost cried!

My original photo looked like a young, vibrant woman with little to no worries. This picture depicts how I've been feeling for the past 3 months. It scares me.
I look hard and worn. I LOOK like I watched all my life burn down before my eyes LOL. I know its not funny, but ironic. This is what a woman looks like after life kicks her when she's down, folks.

Now, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. The job I was going for needs proof of residency, but I have no residency established, thanks vurry much. I keep doing that forehead rub thing I used to watch my mom do when she'd stress over bills LOL

Ah, life is full of irony.

I love you guys and I'll talk to yous tomorrow <3

Road Trip!

Real quick. We are going on a road trip back to New Mexico. Quite the adventure ahead!

If you want updates and pics, follow me on instagram: zaneybat

Wish me luck and give me the strength to come back to hell when its time.

Zaney's Little Monsters!!

I've been working really hard on new ideas for my store. During my learning, digging and crafting, I keep running into dreads. It feels like I'm being haunted.
I love crafting, I love making things and I loved making dreads. My big steamer survived...is that a sign? Should I keep making dreads? I can't here until December, but should I even bother?! It's no harder than any other craft, right? lol, its very tasking. But, the outcome is always worth it! IDK!

Anywho, this is what i've been working on:

These are the creepiest damn things I've ever created. Being the creator, I can't tell if they are store worthy...

I only used what I had: White Clay, black and white acrylic paint, gentian violet, cardboard, a pen and makeup. LOL  ugly little bastards <3

I have a plan for the roses, I really hope it works out.

Let me know what you think, I love you guys!!!!

Ranty Pants

I think I've mentioned this. If not, I'll say it again:

Since we have lived here, this place has kicked us in the balls so many times. I've been kicked while I was down, but not like this.
The simplest things have been impossible, here. I swear, this place is designed to kill its people. From nature to career, this place is just a death trap with our names on it! 
I'm calm, right now, I'm collected while typing this and it is a known fact to me that Tucson is only for a special brand of "people". 
It makes me so sad, this place is supposed to be rich in culture and people, but all I've seen is a diversity that is so separated and disrespectful, I don't want to be associated with city. 

Let me walk you through a simple visit to the store:

1. Screaming single mothers with at least 2 children
2. Ghetto girls screaming on the phone
3. Severely obese and very rude, wheelchair bound individuals
4. Families of 6+ yelling in Spanish at the 4-5 children running wildly
5. White trash couples arguing over last night while taking up the isle

I know that sounds like a typical trip to walmart, but this is the newest and nicest store in Tucson!

You do NOT want to hear about the south side stores!!!

At least in Rio Rancho, there were the same assholes all the time! This place has so many different kind of people that clash, they do not get along at all! I have to say, I hate it here LOL. I know I didn't like New Mexico at first, then I didn't like it because of my situation, but I am not doing this.

I can forget the fire, the situation, the people, the lack of money...I cannot get over the heat. The cherry on top of a shit pie, the heat makes everything unbearable. I know everyone keeps telling me "Its only a few months out of the year!" Yeah, babe, I'm stuck inside for 5 months because my organs will fail if I do anything outside during that time! In Michigan, I was stuck inside for about 5 months because of the extreme winters, I did not want to turn the tables and have it be summer that I'm fearful of. At least in Michigan, I was able to keep my fucking brain cells -_- 

Whew, rant over...for now. HAHA damn it.

Would You Buy This Shirt?!

      https://www.booster.com/revivetheroses

I started a Booster campaign for our cause. I have run

out of options, completely.

Everything I was trying to do in such a short time span

kinda backed my own ass up into a corner.

I'm trying to sell 100 shirts in 31 days. I don't even think I KNOW 100 people!!

If we could sell even 50 shirts, that would mean the world. Its not about the money, its about rising from the ashes...with help. No matter who you are, you need to know that.

If you read the short description on my booster site, you'll know the jist of our current predicament. If you were here, you'd understand the comedy behind 6 people living in a 2 bedroom mobile home. There is horror to follow the laughter, of course, but I'll go into that detail later.

So, do you guys like the shirt? Would you buy it?

I'm JUST SAYIN'! *Rant Warning*

Mmmk, what the hell is going on here?! There is this trend happening among the forefront goths. It's that cheerleader attitude...the bad kind!
(btw, you know its about to get real when my grammar goes flying out the window!)

First of all, I never liked the majority of the goths on youtube, theres always something about their demeanor that turned me off completely. It would get so bad, not naming names yet, that I would watch this girl's videos and not even HEAR what she was saying because her attitude had me head bobbin'. 
Very VERY few goth youtubers I like...There are 4! 
#One, drives me nuts because her and I are exactly alike when it comes to being in front of the camera! I love her to bits and don't quite understand why I can watch her 30 min, nonsensical, videos every time she posts them!! But, this one is pretty guilty of said attitude, lately...just sayin'.
#Two, she doesn't make videos very often but she is a sweetheart and she does some pretty cool diys.
#Three, I don't like her but I like her demeanor...its weird.
And #Four, You were so cool and down to earth. You worked hard for what you had, you went for what you wanted, but when you got back from that HUGE trip you took...you got prissy! Where did that come from? I'm disappointed, but fuck it, my opinion does not matter as a viewer. You just keep doing what you are doing, I can fuck off.

I saw this issue reoccur among the goth youtubers, especially over the past few years. GIRLS, LOSE THE ATTITUDE!! I know people still ask you the same questions that you got asked in high school, I know they ask a bazillion times. When you put yourself out there, you are not only representing yourself as an individual, you are representing the gothic community. If you have an issue with the WAY someone asked you a question, either ignore it or answer it politely. Its not rocket science!!

When you put yourself on youtube, online, you talk about your people and your life...do not tell your viewers (whom are viewing your content because its about your life) that "It's none of your business!" "Thats so rude to ask". Realize that most people watch your life as an escape from theirs, as an example because they are young, because they like you so much that your videos are the closest thing they get to hanging out with a friend. Stop shutting people out or get the fuck out. Ya feel me?!

Sorry not sorry.

Love you guys, leave me some love in the comments <3

Work Smart, Not Hard...

When I worked at Wal-Mart, my favorite co-worker and friend (60+ years old) gave me the best advice I could have ever obtained from another human being outside of my family!
She noticed my grunts of frustration as I struggled with the task at hand. She stopped me by touching my arm and gently stating "Work smart, not hard." She smiled and simply moved the object I struggled with.
Since that moment, I tried practicing that very statement. Sometimes I'd get lost and stray from that mindset, but instilling it into my life, over time, it really started to sink in. That little sweetheart was so right!
Could I ever "Work smart, not hard"? Is that a possibility?!
With hard work, can you just ease into working smart? Maybe!
I'm not where I want to be in life, but I am living the life I agreed to. My inner self has so many problems, I always get knocked off any horse I find. Taking chances is something I'm kind of bad at, I mean, I don't take chances! I usually only run on LAST MINUTE mindset, thats how I get things done...Last stinkin' minute!!  When I fail (often) I beat myself up for so long, all that time wasted on pity parties when I could've been learning from my mistakes and stopped making stupid excuses for my actions (or lack there of).

I'm trying really hard to be what everyone needs, right now. Including myself! I need me to get my thumb out of my ass and do what needs to be done. The immature brat in me is actually cowering at the fact that I now have TONS of responsibilities out of no where...again. But, this time is different, I know what to do. Work. Like, real work. But, work smart...not hard! That means, no over thinking, just doing without over exertion! The applications are sent, now I wait impatiently :)

BTW, I've been taking a lot more chances since the house burned down...scary!

Posing Naked

Minimal photoshop, I might be posting some pretty revealing photos in the far future...


Far, far future...like, after I rid myself of this stress weight.

Of course, It is nothing sexual! You know I'm not a perv! LOL

The G-man and I will be working hard on projects around here, probably for the rest of the year and then some. We both have different careers in mind, but they do work well side by side so thats awesome.
In the future, I might be married to the best boxer in the world! How hot is that?! 
Oh, you are still waiting to hear about why I'd be posing naked...
Well, I'm a deep artsy fartsy kinda gal. I like my coffee like I like my mood, bittersweet...pale and sweet...yeah. But, my man is quite the comedian and our conversation about me posing nude was strictly on a hilarious note! It's a joke, but its very real and very serious. I'm not a femanazi, but there are certain things in this world that really pin us down as human beings, in general, that some of us really need to address. Not only will the photos be revealing, physically, but emotionally as well. There has to be a gag reel, you know I like to keep it light. When we get our monies back in order, I will be investing in a camera that can accommodate all of our needs, including video.

Speaking of video, have you ever watched my videos? I'M FREAKING AWKWARD!! I thought Gabe was just being funny when he was re-enacting my personality on camera...he was right on the money. I had no clue. I thought my camera personality was a great example of ME...it is, socially, I'm that socially awkward, but once we hang out i'm not that bad. LOL 

It Feels So Good!!

I'm back! I have to say, I don't ever want to go without internet again!!!!! It was over 10 days completely without, my brain tried turning off so many times due to the complete lack of communication!

I'm in my creepy little house and there is so much more that needs to be done to this place than I thought! I hate having to adult about this kind of life stuff, I'd much rather live in my creepy house but have it fully functional and comfy and pretend that my life CAN be rainbows and butterflies.

The other things I have to adult about is money...As you know, I haven't worked outside of my dwelling in a long time. I honestly did not think I had to start now!!  I thought I had time to set up something perfect and fun, even career worthy. Sadly, my brain is stuck on fantasy mode and real life just kicked down the door, lol.

I could piss and moan all day, but I know that I'm strong enough to do anything that I gotta do. The only thing keeping me together is having you guys around :)

Here is me, getting over a sinus infection:

I changed my hair!
My mom found some dye in a box that was left in the surviving trailer and I wasted no time. Its 2 different colors, but close enough to each other that you can't tell yet...6 washes later and I'll be whining, you know me.

I love you guys, thank you for stopping by!

Will Work For Money

Of course, everything is happening at the very last minute! OF COURSE, I have started my death-like period while we have to hustle around and use our brains! My eyes hurt from rolling them at everything.
Luckily, the weather is extremely pleasant here in Hell, Arizona today.
Yes, I am super ASSHURT because, this...

My hair went from looking like a cute popsicle, to looking like a moldy lump of sea foam!

I'm looking at ways to work online. If you are laughing, shut up for a sec and help me! LOL
Our house is so far out and all I can get is minimum wage, I might as well make the same money and not waste a whole tank of gas.
I need the work and the pay to start rebuilding my life and reopen my online store BECAUSE DREAMS, thats why! 

(insert stupid video clip here, but can't cuz the internet sucks here)


Expect a lot of messy posts from me once we have internet at the spooky house!

Love yooou!

It's On! Are You Ready?!

A place to be, to set up shop and start over. Paper work needs to be signed, talks need to be had and appliances need to be purchased. I have no idea how long it will be until we have internet way out  there, we are working on it and it is expensive!
If I made more money, it'd be a breeze...

Side note, other than having a house to fix and pretty up, Marilyn Manson will be visiting Tucson in October! YAY! I need something awesome like this to look forward to! I will be revisiting the dread making along with other cool shit, hopefully it will be enticing to all of my beautiful friends such as yourselves!!!

As things fall into place, I can feel my soul returning. I was losing myself for a while, my soul fell back while my body went through the motions, mechanically. Now, the light has grown much brighter and the future looks decent.

I just realized that we only have a few days left here...oh, man this is gonna be WEIRD!!
Hold my hand, hold it!

*URGENT UPDATE* love Zaney

I don't have a whole lot to work with for this post, so I'll tell you the important things and hope I still have you guys around considering I've been gone for almost 2 months or so.

The insurance company totally fucked us...HARD! They changed and back dated things they shouldn't have, but in the end, they truly believe that they did right by us...so many hateful things I'd love to say on that, but I won't waste time. 
We have a very tiny pay out, but being a family of serious DIYers, we are going to make it work. 
The bright side of this is...drum roll please...Me and the G man have our own house! Mind you its a fixer upper, but we are excited about that fact! The poor thing is so ugly and I love it!
It is also the ONLY thing we could afford AND the realtor is giving us an amazing deal AAAND gave us some really cute (beat up) furniture that I could not be more grateful for! The tiny eye sore is located about a football field from the original property that burnt down, so that helps. We have a lot of cleaning up to do and we are so tight on money that it physically hurts.
We eat about twice a day and most of that is provided here where we've been displaced for a very temporary moment.

All in all, fuck the insurance company, yay my own house and DAMN this is a lot of work to do!

I'm hoping to have my store back up and running by September, that is IF I have any income by then and I still fully plan on going halloween shopping for the decor in my new house...old house...beat up house, you know what I mean!

Please tell me you guys are still here with me! 

I love yous!

Devastating But True

During The Aftermath

My mom is an angel, she paid for the fee to get my new phone. Luckily we had insurance on it, but when you only have a little bit of money, something like this is very expensive.

I've never had to do something like this. It is worse than starting over, we are starting from nothing. 
We have never been the type of people to need help, we help those in need and with the tables turned we are lost. I am lost.

I keep saying "Stay positive", I need to practice what I preach! So, because of the wonderful people helping us, we CAN think of our future and that is not something I was expecting.

I still want to go to school, I still want to do something with my life. I'll admit, I truly miss my crafts and machines. Oh, my serger, sewing machine, t-shirt press, printers, fabrics, pendants, beads, and my baby CANON! Soon, very soon I will start rebuilding my collection of awesomeness!!

By the way, I don't know what I'd do without my family. They have been so supportive and loving without smothering each other. 
Being in a completely new city and knowing that I don't have a home, I feel like I'm in a different country. Its scary, but I am learning from this.

I love you guys and I sincerely hope you are all well and happy!

Our Lives In Flames (Please Help)

Remember how we moved to Arizona? 

Tragedy struck only days after arriving at the house:

Everything we ever owned, everything we saved up for, everything we spent hours on gently packing went up in flames Wednesday, June 3rd.

I was standing there talking to grandpa about what projects to start on and what plants needed to be watered when he asked me "What is that smell? It smells like smoke!"
I ran to the front door in time to see this huge black bellow of smoke come rolling over the front of the house. Papa yelled "Get grandma out!" I yelled at Gabe "Baby, get Cole and get out, the house is on fire!!"
I pushed my half naked grandma out the door when I saw the flames engulf the entire left side of the house. I hooked my arms under hers and dragged her to the edge of the yard, Gabe right behind me. In that moment when adrenaline kicked in, I asked myself "What do you do in this situation?" but my brain left me hangin'. I had no idea what to do!
Gabe screamed at me, I guess I had checked out for a moment.
"MOVE! KEEP GOING! DON'T STOP!" Gabe kept demanding.
When I came to, I just remember watching my papa stumble out of the house where the flames met him at the door. I hoarsely yelled "Papa, come on!"
I started to hyperventilate as I watched Gabe frantically realize that both of our car keys were in the house. Gabe pivoted back and forth as I screamed "ALL OF OUR SHIT IS IN THERE!!"
Gabe said "I gotta get the keys, baby!"
I yelled back "No! Don't go in there!" By this time the whole house was a big mountain of black smoke.
Grandma started screaming, she didn't understand what was going on. Her bare feet were getting burned by the hot rocks on the ground, she had no pants or panties on.
This nice man came up to us and told us to get her in his car.
Gabe said "Sir, she has Alzheimer's, she will just keep screaming!" The guy said "Put her in the car now and stay there with her!"
Papa was in a panic trying to get his phone to work, blisters all over his arms. So many people asking him questions. 
An old friend pulled up and I ran at her full force, so thankful to see someone so familiar.

Many people came to our rescue, the man who graciously put us in his car is a realtor and offered us one of his rentals for a few days. Another realtor offered to work with us on rent. One lady stopped by and offered her personal phone number because she is a human service specialist, Red Cross showed up to take our info and gave us all they could. We are so thankful that no one got hurt. We understand that what we lost was just stuff, but some of that stuff we'll never get back. I have 1 pair of shorts, as well as my 2 good bras that happened to be away from the house. Gabe has 1 pair of shorts and a tank top. We have very little, if anyone wants to help out, my family on the east coast made a gofundme page http://www.gofundme.com/wa64m4v4
If you can't spare the money, please share with your friends. I appreciate everyone who reads this and I have a message for you:

I love you guys, I love you all so very much! Please, be safe and love your family, make plans, get a safe and be well!
I need friends right now more than I have ever needed them. I need your support, I need your love. I am confused and lost right now.

Whine Whine Whine-Bitch Bitch Bitch

It is so crazy what constant stress can do to the body...the skin!!

 I've had acne for as long as I can remember, the only thing that ever helped was birth control. I'm 23 now and my acne is worse than ever! Cystic acne, black heads, VOLCANOS! And for the first time in my life, I have dents in my face from acne!

Now, the fine lines were bothering me, but I know that my facial expressions plus smoking will do that...but pocks?! Little craters, taunting me. Lines and craters. On my fucking face. Only 23. Acne at 23. What the hell?!!!

This week has been especially stupid. I mean, DAYUM! I'm shaking my head at everything and everyone, I think its safe to assume that stupid IS in fact contagious.

Oh, life. Why do you loathe me sooooo?

I hope I can get my life together soon enough before I end up in an institution for hurting people.
I've been a troll lately, but people are giving me a great reason to troll on them...though I troll in silence, I think they feel my hatred from way over here! LOL

I need to get me some edumacation, NOW! I feel so behind in life. Help me!!! I know what I wanna do, I just need the friggen money to do it :(

I only have about a week left here in this state...I'm so FUCKING grateful! Lordy, I hate New Mexico. Done witchyew punk asses!

Story Time

There once was a little goth girl full of life and wonder.
She had been through hell and heaven 
And enjoys lightning and thunder.
Until, one day, her grandmother fell ill.
No wizard nor witch knew what ailed her.
The devil then swooped in and pranced the 
grandmother around like a doll.
"Oh, for her poor soul, lord please take her into your hold!" 
the girl screamed at the sky.
The heavens fell silent and the ground froze as the years passed by.

"There is no rest for the innocent" The devil roared.
The language he spoke through the grandmother only screeched
with screams and grunts, but the goth girl understood all too well
 what that devil spit from here to hell.
"I've been to your world and back, nothing you say or do can change that!
I'm not innocent, I will rest better than you, I am just as malevolent" The 
goth girl smiled, confident and proud.
The devil stared at the girl, up and down.
"There is still innocence within you, child. It is very clear!
That is why you are still here. Hell can't have you and heaven
doesn't want you. What better way to devour what is left than to
eat you gone inside your head!" The devil laughed.

The little goth girl looked around and said
"This is my end."

Further Butthurt and DARK MAGIC!

Yesterday, I was tagged in a post by my beautiful mother...

How interesting! I've come by things like this before! 
Actually, I've lost sleep over trying to figure out a clean way to do it myself with what I have.

1. Is it embroidery?
2. It's bonded! No.
3. IT'S BLACK MAGIC!

I've tried looking this style up and NO ONE has made a video on it! What is this dark magic? 

Welp, because my mother knows me all too well, I was back on one yesterday over these! I was ready to try every method in my tool box, OK! But, guess what? All my craft stuff is packed up and triple taped in a pile, ready to be transported...

My butthurt is too much right now! Help?

How I Fade Red Hair (Naturally!!) Time and patience required!

 Day 1

-Treatment 1. Vitamin c, baking soda and harsh shampoo 30 minutes.
Result: Eh, there was a lot of dye that came out, but so far not a huge impact on the hair itself.

-Treatment 2. Intense Healing Mask (The last time I used this stuff on my pink hair, it stripped the majority of it out) 40 minutes.
Result: Only the ends have noticeably lightened...Ugh, this is gonna take a while!

-Treatment 3. Coconut oil and sun. 
Result: None. Went right into 4...

-Treatment 4. Vitamin C, dish soap and prell shampoo (found more vc tabs yay). Side note, DO NOT GET THIS CRAP IN YOUR EYE!!! OMG IT BURRRNS!!!!!! I can already see a difference just a few minutes in! Processed for 45 minutes.

Result: WOW, there it is! Very noticeable fade. I have found my concoction! MUAHAAHAA

Side by Side Before and after

Day 1

I'm going to repeat the last treatment a few times until I achieve the Full Fade.
I  have ZERO damage, zero dryness! 


Final Treatment Combo:
I did a honey, cinnamon mask with a splash of lemon juice and baking soda. I left that on for 1 hour.
When I rinsed, I used Vitamin C powder and shampoo as the second part to this treatment. I left that on for about 30 minutes.
Result: WOW! There it is!

I actually like it! It's cute!

I'm going to let my hair rest before repeating the last treatment and I'll keep you updated.

Let me know in the comments what you think!
Have you ever tried to fade from red?

Natural Sex Appeal: Blonde or Red Head?

I've had red hair for 1 year. It is the official anniversary of The Red!

During the process of moving, I've had to pack up my up-keep products. I love the red, but I don't think I can keep up with it for the next few months.

Should I go blonde?

The butt hurt sets in when I think about the fact that my only pair of extensions are now red...I haven't even worn them yet! But, during this process I don't want funked up hair...I don't want pinky orange BLAH all over the place and blonde is my natural color. Do I dare try to strip out the red and orange or just leave it the hell alone?

Here's Oldest to Newest pictures of me with blonde/blondish hair...

I don't know how I feel about it.
It's so weird and uncomfortable to think about having my hair a natural color again...MY natural color. 
Even though it is a temporary thing, I'm going through a change and I don't want to hate my red just because it was in so many chapters, ya know?

Ok...
I'm gonna do it...
OK, HERE IT GOES! Wish me luck!